Messenger of Joy

Religious Liberty

2012-02-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

We are blessed to live in this time. So many people need our prayers and our witness to Truth. We must not be afraid to stand for what we believe and what we KNOW in our hearts. We must not be afraid to stand for Who we know in our hearts......the Ancient of Days.....the Great I AM.....Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Here is an incredible homily on religious liberty . . .

Celebrating 800 Years of Dominican Life!

2012-02-16T12:20:00.000-05:00

Celebrating the Beauty of Faith!

Didn't expect that . . .

2012-01-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

I resigned my Washington State bar membership today. The yearly fee was due tomorrow, and I just could not see paying for another year, when I have not used my license to practice in Washington since 1999. I have kept it up, because it is not an easy thing to obtain, and I knew if I let it go, it would take a lot to get it back, maybe even re-taking the bar exam. I thought, maybe I might move back out there, I mean, ya just never know. But today I could not rationalize the fee, knowing that I AM going to be a Dominican nun soon, right? I will never use it again, so what is the loss?

But whatever gains I had, these I have come to consider a loss because of Christ. More than that, I even consider everything as a loss because of the supreme good of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have accepted the loss of all things and I consider them so much rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having any righteousness of my own based on the law but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God, depending on faith . . . Phil 3:7-9

Yet still, I found myself filled with a rush of emotion and tears as I clicked the last click of the computer to confirm my decision. Are you sure you want to resign? You will no longer be permitted to practice law in the State of Washington. Once you click 'yes,' you will be logged out of the system and unable to return.

Yes. I am sure. Click! And then cry. I am either a damn fool or this will be an amazing story to tell someday, the way I have given up every tiny little thing, one by one, without even one logical, rational reason to believe that any of this will work out....except for the grace of God and my half of a mustard seed of faith that He is the one who has put this desire to serve Him in my heart. If not, I am foolish and delusional at best. But if it is as I believe, then heaven and earth will move to bring me to the monastery.

Still, there are so many things that have to happen, including yet another deadline I was not even considering until today. Soooo many things to do in sooooo little time.....And no offers to buy my house yet.

Novena number 3 to St. Joseph starts tomorrow. Lord, have mercy.

Prayer for Priests

2012-01-31T11:20:00.002-05:00

It is so important that we pray for our priests, especially as we see the Church increasingly under attack by the secular world.

This is a prayer I composed a year or two ago for the priests in my life. I am always adding names as I meet new people or hear of specific intentions.

Please protect these men from the wickedness and snares of the evil one. Strengthen them to give everything they are and everything they have for Your people, whom they are called to serve. May they speak only Truth, and be worthy examples of Christ on earth, preaching the Gospel at all times, proclaiming it loudly when necessary, and never fearing the consequences for doing so. Give them courage, Keep them safe, and fill their hearts with Your authentic love and joy. Help them always and everywhere to be Your humble and obedient servants, through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Fr. Peter O'Rourke, Fr. Joe Fleury, Fr. Mark Swope, Fr. Mike McCormick, Fr. John Chmil, Fr. Ed Michelini, Fr. Alphones Perikala, Fr. John Kita, Fr. Greg Kelly, Fr. Martin Boylan, Fr. Greg Villaescusa, Fr. Ed Scott, Fr. Jim Nash, Fr. Killian Loch, Fr. Joe Hornick, Fr. Joe Manarchuck, Fr. Jacek Bialkowski, Fr. Vince Langan, Fr. Andrew Hzdovik, Fr. Chris Sahd, Fr. Chris Washington, Fr. Joseph Kane, Fr. Cassian Yuhaus, Fr. Thomas Petro, Fr. John McHale, Fr. Phil Sladicka, Fr. Ed Buckheit, Fr. David Betts, Fr. John Grimm, Msgr John Esseff, Msgr. Neil Van Loon

The Dominican friars of St. Joseph Province

Deacon Joe Roinick, Deacon Bill Graham, Deacon Leo Lynn

Bishop Joseph Bambera, Bishop Joseph Martino, Bishop John Dougherty, Bishop James Timlin

Archbishop Charles Chaput, Archbishop Timothy Dolan, Archbishop Joseph Rigali, Cardinal Daniel DiNardo

Pope Benedict XVI

from St. Faustina's Diary:

O my Jesus, I beg You on behalf of the whole Church .... give us holy priests. You Yourself maintain them in holiness. O Divine and Great High Priest, may the power of Your mercy accompany them everywhere and protect them from the devil's traps and snares, which are continually being set for the souls of priests. May the power of Your mercy, O Lord, shatter and bring to naught all that might tarnish the sanctity of priests, for You can do all things.

A Gift

2012-01-23T10:53:00.001-05:00

This day is a gift. Actually, every day is a gift. But some days are just easier than others, aren’t they?

Of course, a difficult day does not make it any less of a gift from our Creator. And certainly the saints who have gone before us saw great benefit from suffering when it is offered up to God and united with the suffering of our Beloved on the Cross. But some days, there is felt such great union with our Jesus, that is hard to be anything but extremely thankful. Today is just that kind of day for me.

Often I am amazed at what God tolerates. Forty years I endured that generation. I said, “They are a people whose hearts go astray and they do not know my ways.” (Psalm 95). God and I both know He has tolerated plenty from me for at least 40 years. But I am trying, and God willing, I am growing closer to Him every day…..loving Him deeper and better and more authentically, every day……

Today I have a great sense of God’s closeness, even though I have not given Him as much attention this weekend as I could have---should have. I regret this, as I had much time to pray and contemplate and read this weekend, after my house was clean and ready for showing. I had no other work to do, while the snow came down outside, keeping things quiet inside, and yet I left Him mostly alone. Sometimes, He withdraws the feeling of His closeness to help us to grow in our faith, but He is always right there, like a Father who is running beside the child who is riding a bike without training wheels for the first time. And as exhilarating as it can be to take off, seemingly on your own, often it ends with a fall, with Father there to catch you and pick you up. I am grateful for these days when I feel Him so close, that I can simply rest, knowing He has got everything under control. I barely even have to pedal…..just keep resting in His Love and His Presence. It is so easy to surrender everything to Him on these days…..easy to give it all to Him without a fear or worry in the world. I relish these days. I know they can not last forever, but God, in His Wisdom, knows when I need Him, and He has been very generous with His gifts these past weeks. Thank You, Father.

It seems like things are coming to a natural end with my life in the world, so to speak. Even though I continue to be no closer to selling my house and resolving my school loans, the ‘for sale’ sign in my yard has all but stopped my phone from ringing with new clients. I am fresh out of money to pay my bills and the mounting bills from unexpected car, plumbing and dental problems are growing by the day. Still I have peace. God has always preserved me, and I fully expect that all of my needs will be met during this time of waiting, somehow, some way. I am telling anyone who asks, that I am moving to Delaware, because even though there is no forward motion, I know this could change in an instant—It could change today!---and I will be on my way to finally realizing my vocation to the religious life. I fully expect a miracle. I have no reason for this hope….no reason for this faith….no reason for this peace---except for the pure gift from God. None if it makes sense, unless it comes from Him.

I remember it was not that many years ago, that I would be crying and stressed if business was quiet for a few weeks, afraid of not meeting my obligations. It has never been this quiet, this long. But even as I am rapidly running out of time and resources, I am happy.

97 days and counting . . .

St. Joseph, pray for us.

Blessed Mother, pray for us.

Christ, have mercy on us.

Blessed are the Pure of Heart

2012-01-07T22:58:00.002-05:00

I saw Jesus today. I recognized Him not in the breaking of the bread, as those on their walk to Emmaus did, but in the breaking of the straw from a Christmas Nativity crèche, in the person of a small boy who embodied the heart of Christ. Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? 1 Cor 3:16

I had an incredibly beautiful experience today, one which I will treasure forever in my heart. I spent the morning and afternoon at a Passionist monastery, first with a beautiful group of fellow Cursillistas at a session of ‘school of leaders,’ and then at our annual Christmas party for the nuns who have given us so much, praying for us and giving us respite from the world and direction for our hearts. I recognized Jesus in all these beautiful souls, from contemplative nuns to mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, husbands, wives and friends…..Soooo many people loving the Jesus they find in each other, and sharing the Jesus they find in themselves.

Once the party was winding down, and our time together was coming to an end, my dear friend and spiritual sister on the journey, Donna, asked me to come to the chapel to pray. We always pray in this chapel, where so much of our spiritual growth and awareness began when we made our Cursillo together in 2004, but this time, we were going to go pray at the manger, in front of the tabernacle.

Well, once we got into the chapel and made our way to the front, we saw a beautiful boy, kindergarten age, praying at the manger. He was alone, while the rest of his group was listening to his brother play Christmas carols on the piano. His eyes were closed, his hands were held palm to palm, just inches away from Jesus in the manger, while his lips moved fervently in prayer. We could not hear what he was saying, but he was absolutely undaunted by our near presence. He just kept praying and praying.

After some time, Donna went and kneeled in front of the tabernacle, while I watched him share his heart with our infant King, waiting to have my own chance to gaze at the manger scene. When he was finished and started to walk away, I could not help myself, I bent down to his level and asked him, ‘Could you do me a favor? Would you pray to Jesus for me, and ask Him to help me sell my house so I can be a sister like the nuns in the other room?’ He nodded in agreement and walked back to the crèche. Again he closed his beautiful eyes, folded his hands in prayer and began speaking inaudibly to Jesus. I do not know what he said to Him, but he spoke for longer than you might expect such a small child to do. And when he was done, he gave me one of the best, most warm, authentic-feeling hugs I have ever had. Donna and I were so moved, we could not help but cry over this beautiful, innocent, God-inspired child, as we moved to a pew and tried to pray. Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

Once we left the chapel, I took up a conversation with another friend, standing outside of the doors, and this dear soul came up to us. He had several small pieces of straw, I think three, and he gave one to me, one to my friend, and kept the other for himself. I was again overwhelmed by the generosity of this child, for I am a complete stranger to him, except for the Jesus that we know in each other. When another person came up, he broke the straw he had, divided and shared the pieces among us. And finally, one more time, another person came up, and he broke his last teeny tiny piece, and gave it to the rest of us again. I don’t think he ended up keeping a single piece for himself, although I received three---a larger piece, a smaller piece and a miniscule piece. I will save and treasure them always.

And so I ask myself, why am I so moved by this? And why do I feel as if I have seen this before? And so I contemplate it on my drive home. Of course I am moved by the pure sweetness and charity of this act and the unbridled generosity of this child, but I remember something else, something my friend Donna first reminded me of several years ago regarding the loaves and fishes.

Jesus did not look at the paltry amount of fish and bread he had when it came time to feed a multitude. He simply asked those closest to him to give him what they had -- nothing more, nothing less. And with that, He gave his people their fill, so they were wanting for nothing.

In the same way, it did not matter how many people came into the picture. One bighearted child took what little he had, and made sure everyone was blessed by his kindness. And let me tell you, not only did I have my fill, but my cup overflowed.

His name is Marcus, and he wants to be a priest. What a grace it was to have met this child today, for yesterday, I signed a contract with Century 21 to sell my house, and I am again left wondering what God has planned for me. I must admit that I had about a 10-second moment of abject fear after the realtor left and I comprehended what I had just done, but then my peace returned. My house is all that I have and it is not enough to pay my school loans and remove the obstacles to my entry into the Dominican Monastery. But I met Jesus today, and he gave me my fill.

And now Lord, for what do I wait? You are my only hope. Psalms 39:8

A New Year

2012-01-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

A new year…..only 118 days until April 29, 2012.

Last week was incredible. I spent the week with my soon-to-be sisters at the monastery, and enjoyed such deep peace and rest. This peace can only come from Christ, and I am extraordinarily grateful. I felt so comfortable and at home. I wondered how could I love these sisters so much already, when I have not known them for very long, and soon I had my answer. The truth is that I love them because I love the Jesus in them, the Jesus who lives in them and works through them. He is my Beloved, so it is no wonder I would feel so close to these sisters who reflect Him so beautifully with their very being.

I have great hope that I will be able to enter the monastery as planned in 118 days, even though I am no closer to my goal than I was 2 years ago. And even though I do have great hope, it has only taken a day "post monastery" for the stress to creep back in. The contract for the sale of my house expired yesterday and so I am feeling a bit worried again. OK. More than a bit worried. But my trust must be in the Lord, even though the evil one is capitalizing on my weakness right now. Mother of Mercy, pray for me.

The potential buyer (from the expired contract), is a dear man, and very sincere about helping me, but I must try to see what I can do now that I am rapidly running out of time, and he does not have the resources to complete the deal at this time.

The natural gas boom in this area has made for quite a housing shortage. I will call a realtor this week to see what the realities are for a similar deal as my previous buyer made, selling the house and everything in it for enough to cover my educational loans and mortgage, etc. But this must happen fast, as I need time to close my office and make a deal on settling my school loan. Time is of the essence.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.

May this new year be the year that brings you and me, ever closer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. God bless you, and Happy New Year!

Small and Humble

2011-12-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

"When we look at the crib, we see how God uses weakness and humility to do great things. So let us not be afraid to be small and humble like the Baby Jesus, so that God's greatness can shine through us."

~ Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

O Emmanuel (God With Us)

2011-12-23T08:48:00.000-05:00

O Emmanuel, our King and Lawgiver,
the Desire of all nations and their Savior:

Come and save us,
O Lord, our God!
Amen.

O Rex Gentium

2011-12-22T08:46:00.000-05:00

O King of Nations, and their Desired,
the Cornerstone who makes all one:

Come and save our race,
whom you formed out of clay.
Amen.

O Oriens

2011-12-21T10:33:00.000-05:00

O Dayspring,
Brightness of eternal Light and Sun of Justice:

Come and enlighten those who sit in darkness
and the shadow of death.
Amen.

O Clavis David

2011-12-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

O Key of David,
and scepter of the house of Israel:
You open and no one shuts;
You shut and no one opens.

Come and lead forth from his prison,
the captive sitting in darkness and in the shadow of death.
Amen.

O Radix Jesse

2011-12-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

O Root of Jesse,
who stood as a sign for the people,
before you kings shall remain silent,
and to you the Gentiles shall make supplication:

Come to deliver us, and delay not.
Amen.

O Adonai (Lord)

2011-12-18T12:06:00.001-05:00

O Adonai,
and leader of the house of Israel,
You appeared to Moses in the flame of the burning bush
and gave him the law on Sinai:

Come, and with an outstretched arm, redeem us.
Amen.

O Sapienta

2011-12-17T19:44:00.000-05:00

O Wisdom,
You came forth from the mouth of the Most High,
and reached from end to end,
and disposed of all things sweetly and mightily:

Come and teach us the way of prudence.
Amen.

Vocation Update

2011-12-14T10:46:00.001-05:00

It has been quite a whirlwind these past few months. After much searching and discerning, God has made it pretty clear to me that I am not going to be entering the Daughters of Mary. It is a long story, but one of the most compelling things that has been happening over the past year, is my discomfort at wondering when I would really get a chance to pray and study as a DM. I found myself wondering (and pretty confident) that I would be having less time as a lawyer in a habit than I would have as a lawyer in my own house to contemplate all of the mysteries of Jesus. I became increasingly wary of leaving the prayer life I already had, to be in community with less time for prayer and very little time for study and personal growth.

About a year and a half ago, I saw on Facebook that people were becoming friends with the Elmira Dominican Nuns. I was amazed by this, as I only live about 30 minutes from this incredible contemplative order, and in all my years of discerning, had never even heard of them. When I saw on their web page that they had not had a new vocation in 25 years, I wrote to them and said, in a nutshell, that I had been discerning for a number of years, and never even heard of them when they were in my own backyard. I offered to help them, and the vocation director, Sr. Anna Marie, set a time for me to come up and meet with her.

Two amazing things are immediately apparent in this journey: Number One, I thought I was going there to help promote them, and Number Two, I was sure God would never call me to a contemplative order, as He gave me so many gifts that would lend easily to helping people as a missionary or in an active order (lawyer, teacher, musician, etc.). So we met on occasion over the next year, and Sr. Anna Marie was very kind and helpful to me, giving me great spiritual direction, but she never once tried to dissuade me from my path to the DMs. I was just so sure of myself -- RED FLAG. :-)

So then, about 6 months ago, some things happened with the DMs that made me extremely worried, when I saw one sister leave, and others who were not very happy. The disturbance in my soul reached a fever pitch and I ran to see Sr. Anna Marie. I boldly told her to please let me talk and do not say anything until she had time to pray about it because it was bad, soooo bad, and I did not want her gut reaction, (not that she would ever have one, she is so peaceful, and God is soooo close to her). And after giving my whole sordid story she had an inspiration that she believed to be from the Holy Spirit. After this whole year of meeting with me, she had never once thought of me for any other order, but this new order of Dominicans came to her mind. She told me they were visiting Elmira the next weekend and could I come for a visit. They are a contemplative foundation (new Dominican Monastery awaiting enough professed sisters to become a stand-alone monastery), and they have a vision that really complemented the things I had been saying to Sr. Anna Marie all along.

When I heard her say these words, I was immediately flooded with peace. This is HUGE because if you would have seen me crying and frantic five minutes before, you would have to know that it was the Holy Spirit. And when I met them the following week, I again was filled with peace and God's great Love. There was no more concern or frantically trying to get somewhere on my own terms. Things worked out that I could visit them in Delaware the next week, and when I entered their chapel, I felt like I was coming home. I did not want to leave! I took to the monastic life like a duck to water. Honestly, I never felt that way with the DMs. I could not figure it out, as there were so many, so-called 'signs.' But this experience with the Dominicans had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. I did not look for it or ask for it or anything. All I did, was a few months before it all unfolded, I began praying a perpetual novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots, and my prayer changed from, 'please undo the knots that are keeping me from the Daughters of Mary," to "PLEASE, Blessed Mother, from your heavenly perspective, PLEASE undo the knots in my life that I do not even see, and help me to clear the path to wherever Jesus wants me." And she has done just that! She lives to help her children come closer to her Son. She lives to help her children stay on the path that He has laid out for them. Pure Mercy. Pure Love.

So here I am, still with my financial obstacles, but it appears that God is working to make them disappear. I felt compelled a few months ago to ask someone to buy my house. I told him I paid far less than what I am asking. I gave him a price for what a similar house went for in the neighborhood, and then told him the price that would make me a nun. He has agreed to pay me much more than it is worth, and if he can not come up with the funds, has promised to find someone else who will do it! I need a lot of prayer on this, because the evil one is doing everything he can to thwart our efforts. But I do believe it will work, and that I will enter on St Catherine of Siena's feast day, April 29, 2012. Whee!

So that is the scoop for now. I have no idea what God is calling me to 'do' in the Dominican order, and I simply do not care. All I want is to do His will, and clearly this path has come from Him, so I am walking it, with eyes and ears open, excited to see, hear and touch what lies ahead. All for the Glory of God!

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Christina

Mary, Undoer of Knots,
Pray for us who have recourse to thee.

Hope

2011-11-22T09:17:00.001-05:00

Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in God; I will praise Him still,
my savior and my God.

from Psalm 43

Jesus, Help Me!

2011-11-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

I have long had the practice of cutting pictures and prayers out of bulletins and programs and mailings from charitable institutions, and placing them in my prayer books and other books. Mostly, I save them for inspiration, but they make nice bookmarks too! :-)

Well, this morning, this prayer fell out of my Liturgy of the Hours prayers, and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I have no idea from where it came, but here it is:

In every need, let me come to You with humble trust, saying, Jesus help me!

In all my doubts, perplexities and temptations, Jesus help me!

In hours of loneliness, weariness and trials, Jesus help me!

In the failure of my plans and hopes; in disappointments, troubles and sorrows, Jesus help me!

When others fail me, and Your grace alone can assist me, Jesus help me!

When I throw myself on Your tender love as a Brother and Savior, Jesus help me!

When my heart is cast down by failure to see any good come from my efforts, Jesus help me!

When I feel impatient, and my cross irritates me, Jesus help me!

When I am ill, and my head and hands can not work and I am lonely, Jesus help me!

Always, always, in spite of of weakness, falls and shortcomings of every kind, Jesus help me, and never forsake me!

AMEN.

Still waiting . . . But getting closer

2011-11-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

I had hoped to have some good news to share by now. But as per usual, there must be some great spiritual benefit I am receiving from this constant delay and waiting. I am still working on the obstacles to my vocation, and it appeared for awhile that something really, mega-miraculous was happening. I still have hope that it will work out, but I am once again delayed and looking for God in all of it. I know He is there, and so once again (and again and again and again), I surrender. Blessed Mother, help me surrender.

I have discerned a call to a Dominican order….(more later on that). I am shocked by this, but I trust it like nothing I have ever known, because I had virtually nothing to do with it, and I did nothing to seek this. God moved in so many mysterious ways to bring it about, and had it happened 2 years ago when I first approached the Daughters of Mary, I would not have been spiritually mature enough or ready. Once again, He proves that His timing is perfect, and when I permit it, His will WILL be done. Fiat. Let it be done.

I have great peace about this order, and unlike my past, I find myself not even caring or worried about any part of what my future will bring as a nun. I am well aware of my human frailties, and I know it will be very difficult, and seemingly impossible for me at times, given my strong will and enormous ego, but I have faith that if this is where God is calling me, He will give me everything I need to follow Him and do His will. I can not WAIT to begin this new chapter in my life, and I fully expect to enter on April 29th, the feast day of Saint Catherine of Siena, however the enemy of our souls is doing his best to thwart God’s efforts. Please, PLEASE pray for me that my obstacles will be removed and none other be placed in my path. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life, and I look forward to the day when I can write about all of the amazing things God did to make straight this very crooked path of mine. He is a God of great mercy, and I will spend my eternity thanking Him for the great love He has shown me in this life.

Totus Tuus . . .

Saint Catherine of Siena, please pray for us.

The One Thing . . . By Matthew Kelly

2011-11-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

Matthew Kelly is a good man with a great heart for God. I once wrote to him and asked for his help in making a dream come true for a friend of mine. I was surprised to receive a telephone call from him, and a great conversation ensued with numerous ideas for helping my friend. He was most kind and generous with his time and thoughts, showing great regard for two complete strangers. This personal quality of his has everything to do with what it means to be a Catholic Christian.

I was excited to have the opportunity to review one of his new books for the Catholic Company, and read it in just a few minutes. It is a small book, The One Thing – Passing Faith Onto Children, and at only 64 pages with lots of pictures, it was easy to read in under a half hour.

Matthew is known for making complex issues simple, and truly, that is what he did in this little book. Mostly he spent his time writing about his own experience of love in relation to his first born and only child, a son named Walter. Would that all parents in today’s world look at their child in the way that Matthew looks at his! Drawing from his recognition of the love he has found in his own heart for this child, he began to understand more deeply the love that God, our Father, has for each of us. As a soon-to-be contemplative nun, I have to tell you that this is exactly what I hope to spend the rest of my own days contemplating.

What it all boils down to in answering the question of which ‘one thing’ it takes to pass the faith on to children is this: Matthew believes, as do I, that it begins by showing them your own authentic love for God by the way you treat them and their mother and all of God’s children…..by the way you go out of your way to do things for them, to help them, and to serve others. This shows them Jesus. This shows them how God loves us and wants to be with us. When you do this, you are teaching them about Eucharist, because you are teaching them, by your example, of what it means to be Jesus to each other. And there is no better way to receive Jesus, than when we receive Him, sacramentally present in the Eucharist, another great thing this book reminds the reader.

I love putting these kinds of books in my office waiting room. I have one of Matthew's other books in my waiting room as well. They are small tidbits of important wisdom, put simply and accessible even to non-readers who do not have the patience to read a long novel. Sometimes, a person only needs one well-reasoned thought to bring them back to love. I hope this little book will do just that.

Fiat!

(This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on The One Thing. They are also a great source for a Catechism of the Catholic Church or a Catholic Bible.)

The Fellowship of the Unashamed by Anonymous

2011-10-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed."

The die has been cast.

I have stepped over the line.

The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.

I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I must go until Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.

My colors will be clear.

Shhhh . . . .

2011-10-10T12:41:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note . . .

The last three months have been undeniably indescribable, completely and totally Divinely inspired. I am not ready to write about all that has transpired yet, but suffice it to say, our merciful Father is answering my vocation prayers in a powerfully loving, generous, mysterious, incredible way. I can not even find the words to describe all that has happened yet, as I am simply overwhelmed by the mercy and love I have received, so I am choosing to simply BE and listen for now, watching as it all unfolds, taking it all in. I will write more after some of the plans I am making are brought to fruition, probably in a month or two. For now, it is a time of great preparation and thanksgiving. Thanks be to God!

Fiat!
Totus Tuus

Saint Dominic, pray for us.

The Truth About Your Mother

2011-09-08T10:12:00.000-04:00

Discernment

2011-07-21T21:20:00.000-04:00

It has been an interesting couple of months. For many reasons, I have found myself beginning again, not wondering whether I have a call to the religious life, but to which order?

Catholic author and philosopher, Peter Kreeft, wrote a great article on discernment, and I found the following paragraph to be especially pertinent to where I feel my heart is being drawn today:
Look for the fruits of the spirit, especially the first three: love, joy, and peace. If we are angry and anxious and worried, loveless and joyless and peaceless, we have no right to say we are sure of being securely in God's will. Discernment itself should not be a stiff, brittle, anxious thing, but—since it too is part of God's will for our lives—loving and joyful and peace-filled, more like a game than a war, more like writing love letters than taking final exams.
Wow. I have to admit that I have not had as much peace as I would have expected, given that all I want to do is give everything to Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And I have surely had my fill of anxiety in the journey. But now that I am embracing the fact that God may have different plans for me, I find my heart filled with peace in the process of discernment. I am relishing it and grateful for new insights. This comes as quite a surprise to me, unexpected, yet so needed. I thought I was finished with discerning this vocation. Silly girl.

I have long believed that it was God's will that I suffer. After all, it was great suffering that brought me to Him, and my best learning seems to come from persevering through difficulties. I always offer the suffering to Jesus for all the intentions of His Sacred Heart, knowing the great value of redemptive suffering, so I figured it made sense. I know all the great saints suffered, so I guessed the turmoil in my heart was normal as I have waited and wondered and tried to make my way to the convent, to no avail, as my obstacles remain for more than a year now since I was accepted into the order. Since I now believe He may be calling me elsewhere, I am surprised to find the turmoil dissipating and the flow of graces flooding my soul like a long awaited summer rain after a hot, dusty drought. He refreshes my soul. ~ Psalm 23

I am not ready to make any decisions yet, and I am (surprisingly) not worried about the outcome. Maybe for the first time in my journey, I feel myself being led by God in a way that is not based on human feelings, emotions, signs or opinions. I feel like every day is like writing and reading love letters between me and the Lover of Our Souls. I am no longer anxiously trying to finish a dreaded exam. Instead, there is deeper and deeper love, internal and external peace and joy in the freedom that comes from permitting our Beloved to show me the way. It is yet another level of surrender, but unlike many of the other painful layers of surrender I had to learn, this one is pure grace, pure love. It is a gift to trust like this, and I am grateful. There is much to look forward to.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Lively Virtues

2011-07-21T20:12:00.002-04:00

As you may know, I like to review books for the The Catholic Company as part of their reviewer program. This time, however, I have been blessed and privileged to review Father Robert Barron’s DVD and Study Guide/Workbook, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Lively Virtues.

Father Barron’s DVD and the accompanying workbook have been wonderful gifts for me. I would recommend them highly to anyone who seeks more than simple facts and general knowledge, but who also yearns for deeper understanding and introspection.

The DVD is exactly what you would expect of Father Barron --- insightful, interesting and powerful in its ability to give me pause to know more about my faith, my God, my Church and myself. He brings clarity and humor to the virtues and sins, relating all to Dante’s Inferno. I am a regular participant in the graces and healing that come from sacramental confession, and with this DVD, I found a new understanding of my own frailties and sin that I need to work on, a real blessing for my soul, and a blessing for anyone who would listen with a heart open to God and continuing conversion.

The Study Guide/Workbook is the best I have seen of this genre. Unlike other workbooks that accompany DVDs I have owned, this book does not simply get you to regurgitate facts from the DVD, to ensure rote memory. Father Barron, in his great wisdom, inspires you to think beyond what he has taught, and to help you to go deeper into your understanding with assignments to read scripture and relevant passages from the catechism --- LOVE IT!

This set would be great for personal study or as a group. There are so many paths your discussion could take you, I dare say you could do this workbook over and over again, and still find new things to delve into…..A DVD and workbook that would continue to provide new insights as you grow in faith and love with the Lord and His Church. Thank you, Fr. Barron!

***This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. You can visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Lively Virtues CD Bundle . They are also a great source for a Catechism of the Catholic Church or a Catholic Bible.

Unfathomable, Divine Mercy . . . There just for the askin'

2011-05-19T10:28:00.000-04:00

My God, I believe, I adore, I hope and I love You.
I implore Your pardon for those who
do not believe, do not adore,
do not hope, and do not love You.
Amen.

~ Fatima Pardon Prayer

Thank you, Blessed John Paul II

2011-05-02T12:48:00.001-04:00

It was a wonderful Divine Mercy weekend. The sun was out, the homilies were inspired, the friendships were blessed and peaceful and fun. There was and continues to be, much to be thankful for in this life. And although my Mom continues to suffer from her Parkinson's disease, grace abounds.

Don't get me wrong---I am not saint. I want my Mom to be healed. I long for her to be healed, and I continue to beg for her to be healed. But what can we do? God, in His mercy, has answered our prayers and His answer, at least for now, is no. I pray that it is no, not now......but soon. But who knows? His plan is greater than we can imagine, and suffering can be powerfully redemptive. So while we are disappointed, we know that He has our best interest at heart, and He would not permit this suffering if He did not intend to bring a greater good out of it.

Sooo.....Thank you, Bl. John Paul. I am sure your prayers and ours are bringing about conversions of heart and healing in so many more ways than we can imagine. And thank you to all who have read about my Mom and prayed for her. We are blessed by your prayers and generous spirits.

Fiat ~ Totus Tuus

Blessed Mother: Pure Love, Pure Mercy

2011-04-10T14:10:00.000-04:00

I experienced a great grace this weekend, being able to attend a powerful retreat on Forgiveness with Rwandan holocaust survivor, Immulee Ilibagiza and Monsignor John Esseff. Thankfully, and by the grace of God, forgiveness has not been a big issue for me, but I was so moved by Immaculee's story of survival and forgiveness, living 91 days in a 3' X 4' bathroom with 7 other women, only to emerge to find her family had been murdered, that I could not pass up this opportunity to hear her great witness to forgiveness and the love our Beloved Savior has for all of us.

I also longed to know more about Our Lady of Kibeho, (church approved apparitions which occurred prior to the Rwandan holocaust), and was happy to learn much from Immaculee about her own experiences with the visionaries and what the messages meant to her, to Rwanda and to the entire world. My love for our Blessed Mother has grown ever stronger after understanding more and more the great gift we have been given by Mary's unfathomably merciful, Divine Son.

I am only now starting to process some of the fruits of this wonderful retreat experience, but clearly for me, one of the greatest gifts of this retreat came from Monsignor Esseff, when he told us that God, in His mercy, gave us Mary -- pure love, and pure mercy -- as our Mother. Jesus, on the other hand, is also pure love and pure mercy, but additionally He is pure justice. Mary sees us, her children, with the eyes of love and mercy, no judgment. Justice is not her domain. Jesus, as the just judge, can deny his Mother nothing, as she is perfect and immaculate in every way. He is powerless against her intercession. (See The Wedding at Cana). Of course her intercession is pure and always for our own good as a perfect Mother, and her will is perfectly aligned to that of the Divine, but it is becoming clearer and clearer to me, how going through Mary to Jesus is a far quicker and efficient way to getting to the center of His Sacred Heart than to go directly to Him. She makes a clear, straight, easy path for us without judgment and opens the way to Him, just as she did when she cleared a path to Him from heaven to earth when He was born. She cleans us up and presents us to Him in a way that we are unable to present ourselves. Her only desire is to bring us close to Jesus so that we too may have complete union with Him for eternity. In her love, she wants us to know Him as she knows Him, and from her perspective, she can obtain that for us far better than we can obtain it for ourselves.

Pure love.

Pure mercy.

Would that every mother on earth could be called the same!

fiat.

Begging for the Intercession of John Paul II

2011-04-05T12:02:00.001-04:00

My mother has Parkinson's Disease. It is difficult to see her body increasingly betray her, although she has the best attitude for dealing with the constant changes, and keeps giving it all to God. She accepts God's will for healing as well as she does for His reasons for not healing her -- His will be done. But I am a beggar, and I do not plan to stop asking Jesus to give her this great gift of a miraculous healing.

I have recently felt inspired to ask the constant intercession of Pope John Paul II to obtain from Jesus, a complete healing for my Mom. I have absolute faith that He can heal her, and I pray that it is His will to heal her with a miracle that will give tangible witness to the mercy, power and love of our Beloved Savior. Of course, His mercy may permit her to continue to suffer for reasons only known to Him. But we pray, and we hope.

Please join me in praying the prayer I have asked my entire family to pray, every day, at least through May 1st, which is Divine Mercy Sunday, and the day our Pope John Paul the Great will be named Blessed......

Dear Pope John Paul the Great,
Through the Immaculate Heart of our Beloved Mother, Mary,
We beg you to intercede for us,
Pleading with He whom you were known as His Vicar on Earth.
We beseech you to beg Him for a miracle,
That on the day you are raised to the altar and declared Blessed,
That He will grant a complete healing to my Mother,
His beloved daughter, Patricia Ann.

As you, yourself know first-hand the suffering endured
By those who suffer from Parkinson’s disease,
We beg you to obtain from Jesus,
That my Mother be completely healed from this terrible illness.

Oh, Holy Father!
Can Jesus Himself ignore the pleas of His Beloved Vicar?
We implore you, pray unceasingly to our Beloved Savior,
That He will look with favor on us and grant what we request,
Through your humble and holy intercession.

We ask this through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
Who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit,
One God, forever and ever.
Amen.

FIAT

The Annunciation - Happy Feast Day!

2011-03-25T14:07:00.000-04:00

This video is veeeerrrrry POWERFUL.
Thank you, Blessed Mother. Thank you for saying YES.

Let it be done according to Your Word.

Fiat!

JOY not OY! :-)

2011-03-23T21:17:00.001-04:00

Peace. Pax. Pacem. No matter what you call it, I am feelin' it and sooooo happy to have a respite from the struggle!

I was on team for the Diocese of Scranton Women's Cursillo last weekend and it was absolutely a gift from God for me. The very moment I arrived at St Gabriel's monastery, I could feel the tangible presence of Christ. I went immediately to the chapel to say hello to Him and spend some time in front of the tabernacle before the weekend festivities began, and I was instantly filled with an intense peace and feeling of great love. It was clearly a gift of divine grace, as I had been so stressed that I did not think I would have anything at all to offer to the team and candidates.

God gave me respite. He gave me strength. He gave me everything I needed to be able to do His will for the weekend. Isn't He just like that? Always giving us exactly what we need? The key is to trust and to conform my will to His will.

He gives me whatever I want, because I want whatever He gives.
~ St. Therese

Persevere.
Trust.
Decrease so that He may increase.

Fiat!

The Power of the Sacraments by Sister Briege

2011-03-23T20:07:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading a little book by Sister Briege McKenna called The Power of the Sacraments. It is only 64 pages long and not really meant for someone who has an understanding of the sacraments already. The length of it precludes any in depth theological discourse. It is, however, perfect for someone who may be sitting in the pews, unaware of the basic meanings and power that the sacraments have in the lives of those who receive them with faith.

Sr. Briege devotes a few pages to each and every sacrament, sharing common insights and a few of her own thoughts. She shares stories of her own encouters with people in the sacraments and the healing they bring. The story she told in the chapter on marriage was especially poignant and brought me to tears, thankful for the tremendous grace God continues to shower on His children through these supernatural treasures.

I think that people who don't even know what they are missing are not likely to pick up a regular book on a topic such as sacraments, but if given a little one like this, might be more apt to take a peek.

I think I will put this little book somewhere it will get picked up and peeked at. My hope is that this little taste of the truth will inspire a greater desire for more knowledge and further study.

P.S. As many of you know, I enjoy reviewing books for The Catholic Company in exchange for free books. They have asked me to share with you that Catholic Company is also a great source for serenity prayer and baptism gifts. If you are interested in signing up for the reviewer program, let me know, and I will give you the information.

Padre Pio to Padre Agostino

2011-03-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am oppressed by the uncertainty of my future, but I cherish the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled, because the Lord cannot place thoughts and desires in a person's soul if he does not really intend to fulfill them, to gratify these longings, which he alone has caused.

~ Letter to P. Agostino from P. Pio

October 4, 1915

Oh, how I pray that this is true!

oy. fiat.

Oy

2011-02-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

I have failed miserably this month at being the person I know God is calling me to be. I have been stressed beyond belief and am being tested time and time and TIME again. I have never failed a single test in my academic career, but in the spiritual realms, I would be kicked out of school if it was not for the mercy of our Beloved Teacher.

I have no choice but to rely on Him for everything. The very millisecond I think I have things all figured out, I fall flat on my face. This time, I fell extra hard, and I simply have had very little strength to get back up again. It has been much easier for me to just lay down and argue with God, trying to manipulate Him into giving me what i want---what I THOUGHT He wanted. And in case you have ever wondered, reverse psychology does NOT work on Him. Trust me. Don't waste your breath. :-)

Sooooo....I am beaten down. I am tired and worn out. I can do nothing on my own--NOTHING. I have no choice but to give it to Him all over again, and always AGAIN.

Will I ever learn?

I have heard it said that we should not beat ourselves up about our shortcomings as we journey on this path to holiness. Would the loving father of a toddler be mad at his child who falls when he is learning to walk? Of course not! He would pick him back up and help him to try again. And the same is true with our Father in heaven. All of this falling and failing is part of the learning process if we permit Him to help us to continue to move forward on the journey. When He sees us fall, it is with the eyes of a loving parent who sees us progressing forward as we grow in our love for Him and align ourselves to His will. All is well......it just does not feel well right now.....But it will again.....just need to keep getting up.

fiat.

The Conversion of St. Paul and Me

2011-01-25T12:53:00.001-05:00

Thirteen years ago today, on the feast day of the Conversion of Saint Paul and Super Bowl Sunday, a man broke into my home and brutally assaulted me in my bed at a few minutes after 3:00 a.m.. I was lucky to be alive, and a judge I knew at the time told me, "God must have something very special planned for you."

The truth is that God does have something special planned for me. But I am not unique, as the reality is that He has something special planned for each and every person on our planet. The question is, are we able to accept His special and unique plans for us? Are we able to love His will more than we love our own will?

I suffered in seeming darkness for a number of years after I was attacked by this still unknown stranger. But when I ultimately gave up trying to heal my own mind, I finally relented, and gave my mind and my whole self, to God. It is a long story of great grace and great love and miraculous healing, but the happy ending is that instead of living my life in darkness, seeing no need for God, He used this attack to bring about a greater good. HE ALWAYS DOES THAT IF WE LET HIM. He used the attack to knock me off my horse, in much the same way He did to Paul. Of course Paul had a real horse, God spoke out loud to Him and he became blind for awhile, but my horse was just as real to me. It was the pride and the arrogance of believing that I was in control of everything and did not need anyone but myself. I had no need for God until I fell on my butt and needed help to get up.

Now let there be no confusion: GOD DID NOT CAUSE THIS MAN TO ATTACK ME. He does not cause drunk people to kill people in car accidents, nor does He cause people to be mugged, or raped or murdered or husbands to beat their wives or anything at all that is evil. He may permit these things as a consequence of the Fall and our own free will, but He will always use them to bring about a greater good---ALWAYS.

I hate when well-meaning people say that 'bad things always happen for a reason.' That is simply not true, not helpful, and waaaayyy too new-agey for me. The only reason evil things happen is because people make bad decisions that bring about bad actions and bad consequences. So while things do not happen for a good reason, God uses those bad things to bring about a good result if we let Him. There is a big difference in this. Maybe I am not explaining this well, but it is like saying that God wants or makes these bad things to happen so He can use them for a greater good. NOT TRUE. God does not want these bad things to happen, nor does He make them happen. He is pure good and perfection and incapable of evil. He may not always stop them from happenning, but He always gives us the grace to handle them and bring about a greater conversion or greater love or greater forgiveness or whatever it is that is lacking in our own spiritual (and sometimes physical) well-being. A good can never be diminshed by an evil. Case in point: The greatest evil in history---DEICIDE--The murder of Jesus, our GOD. And yet this seemingly abject failure of a mission, brought about the redemption and salvation of countless souls, past, present and future. There can be no greater gift than this. God permitted the worst evil known to mankind to be committed against Himself, and He used it to bring about the greatest good of all time--Eternal life for us, with Him, in paradise.

God, our Father, is calling each of us to Himself through Jesus, His only begotten Son. No one should ever believe that they can not 'get over' this or that traumatic event. With Christ, all things are possible, and all evil can be made good by Him who is all good, all knowing, all powerul and all loving.

Let it be done according to Your Will, Lord. Fiat.

Mysteries of the Virgin Mary, Living Our Lady's Graces - by Fr. Peter John Cameron, O.P.

2011-01-04T12:15:00.004-05:00

In Father Cameron's own words, his mission in writing the book, Mysteries of the Virgin Mary, Living Our Lady’s Graces, "is to present the real life of the Blessed Virgin Mary as it is commemorated in the Marian liturgical feasts of the Church," pointing out the words of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, where it states, "the Church's devotion to the Blessed Virgin is intrinsic to Christian worship." But really, this description only touches the surface. The fullness to which he captures the depth of Mary, Mother of God and Our Mother, and the depth to which my heart is moved by his words, goes beyond any other book on Mary that I have read thus far.

I love St. Louis de Monfort. His love for the Blessed Mother and his True Devotion and 33-Day Preparation for Consecration are classics which should be read by everyone. I personally renew my 33-day consecration annually, and every year, I find myself growing closer to Jesus, through Mary, through the 33-day preparation written by St Louis. I must admit, however, that to this day, after having begun this annual tradition about 5 or 6 years ago, I am still mystified by some of it. Oh, I know that the Holy Spirit reveals these things to us, sometimes over a lifetime and rarely all at once, but I have longed for something that would explain, in depth, the mysteries of Mary, and why she is so important to our faith. Don’t get me wrong---I feel it. But I want to be able to verbalize it....to share it. Father Cameron has done just that.

Father Cameron begins by asking the question, Why Pray to Mary? He gives seven compelling answers, including quote after quote from numerous saints, as to why God gives us graces through Mary. Father Cameron gives an explanation that does not rely on mere pronouncement, but is backed up with insight that can only come from the Holy Spirit Himself. Father writes beautifully and clearly, without debate, and gives the reader a hunger to know our Lady and her Beloved Son all the better.

After taking the time to answer some of the basic questions, Father Cameron devotes the remaining chapters of his book to specific events and titles of our Blessed Mother, offering compelling quotes that literally brought me to my knees. For instance, I have never heard of St Amadeus of Lausanne before, but this quote of his struck me in a special way, given the context in the chapter, and the place I am in my own life right now:

Mary suffers delay that she may advance, she advances through her perseverance. Perseverance, joined to love and work, creates fullness, brings forth perfection.

Mary suffered separation from her Divine Son when He died for our salvation. The delay of years before she could see Him again must have seemed like an eternity for her maternal and immaculate heart. But we can be assured that her remaining earthly life was of great value to the early Church and to us. In this separation and delay, is great mercy for all the world. Read this book and you will be inspired to love more, and to know the Lord in the fullness of His Mother’s own memory.

I will treasure this book and read it over and over and over again.

FIAT!

P.S. As many of you know, I enjoy reviewing books for The Catholic Company in exchange for free books. They have asked me to share with you that Catholic Company is also a great source for serenity prayer and baptism gifts. If you are interested in signing up for the reviewer program, let me know, and I will give you the information.

Advent: Training for the Final Coming of Christ

2010-12-17T09:33:00.000-05:00

"The liturgy of Advent…helps us to understand fully the value and meaning of the mystery of Christmas. It is not just about commemorating the historical event, which occurred some 2,000 years ago in a little village of Judea. Instead, it is necessary to understand that the whole of our life must be an ‘advent,’ a vigilant awaiting of the final coming of Christ. To predispose our mind to welcome the Lord who, as we say in the Creed, one day will come to judge the living and the dead, we must learn to recognize him as present in the events of daily life. Therefore, Advent is, so to speak, an intense training that directs us decisively toward him who already came, who will come, and who comes continuously."

~ Pope John Paul II
Dec. 18, 2002

The Advent of Our King

2010-12-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

This has been the BEST Advent EVER! More so than any other year, this has been a time of real preparation for the birth of our Lord. I think it was two years ago that I prayed that I would understand the significance of Christmas better.....that I would find a particular closeness to and love for Jesus as the Divine Infant. I must admit, that it often seemed just too sentimental for me, especially in light of how many people see Christmas merely as a season for shopping and partying, giving and receiving gifts bought on credit.....That after all of the craziness of the preparations, it was over in a day. How empty that must be for people who don't know God. We are lucky to have Him in our hearts, but we must never be happy with the degree to which we know, love and serve Him. We must always strive for more, praying and begging that He will increase our desire for Him, increase our Love for Him.......

In a world where so many parents increasingly fail to put their children at the center of their lives, it is not surprising that they would forget about the baby Jesus unless they happened to glance at a manger scene for a moment. But this is our Savior! This is our God! This is the King of Universe, who permitted Himself to become a virtual prisoner in the virginal womb of His holy and blessed Mother. He permitted Himself to become powerless to see to his own human needs. As it was recently pointed out to me, He allowed Himself to be put into a position of having to sit in a poopy diaper, waiting to be noticed and surrender His will to that of His parents. He suffered hunger until He was fed and cold until He was clothed. Don't be deceived into thinking this is no big deal for a baby. THIS particular baby was GOD. What a humble gift we have in Him! Jesus surrendered every bit of Himself for the will of our Father.

How many people in our lives or in our world have no choice but to surrender everything to God because they have virtually nothing to care for themselves, either by poverty or by illness or infirmity of some kind? Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3

Are we as blessed? Are we surrendering everything to God out of necessity, or must we make an active decision to do it?

During this Advent, I have made an effort to deepen my surrender and dependence on God. It is easier some days than others, that is for sure. But we must try again, and always try again and again. He deserves nothing less. Let us give Him our loved ones and our hearts. Let us give Him our hopes, dreams, pain and suffering. All of it is pure gift to Him.

What will YOU give Him for Christmas this year?

Let it be done according to Your will.
FIAT.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T16:31:00.000-05:00

Soooooooo THANKFUL! There is a whole new feeling at my Church now that we have a resident pastor. I don't think I can explain it, but Mass on Sunday was just sooooooo WONDERFULLY JOYFUL!! We have a pastor with the heart of a servant of Mary and the stability of knowing there is a shepherd avalable when we need him. I, for one, and so grateful for this. We are loved. Thank you, Jesus and Mary!

It was this time last year, that I went to visit the Daughters of Mary for the first time in New Britain, Connecticut. I wondered why God would send me THERE, of all the places in the world I could possibly go. But then one of the first things Sr. Alma showed me when I walked in, was the monstrance in the chapel--It was Mary, with arms raised, holding our Eucharistic Jesus. It was beautiful, but the most amazing thing was that the words on the bottom said AD JESUM PER MARIAM (to Jesus through Mary). Without knowing that or even thinking about it, I had started signing all of my correspondence to friends "To Jesus Through Mary," for the past year. I don't know where it came from or why I started doing it, but there it was, live and in person. It was definitely a God-incidence for me. Very cool. The sentiment had long been in my heart and there it was, shining back at me. Wow.

So here I am a year later, no closer to the convent, but so thankful for what God has taught me in this desert. With His help, I am definitely better able to surrender and trust, although still not great at it. Maybe when I am finally ready to learn this, He will let me go! :-) No worries. I am thankful for each day, and looking forward to Advent with my family and friends. His timing is perfect, His plan is perfect and there is nothing more I could possibly need that He will not provide. He is ever faithful. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Thank you, Blessed Mother. Fiat.

Questions . . .

2010-11-05T10:48:00.000-04:00

If not us,

Who?

If not here,

Where?

If not now,

When?

If not for the Kingdom,

Why?

Dare the dream.

~ Anonymous

The Blue Jays - Sisters and Birds

2010-11-03T13:07:00.001-04:00

What a day! What a week! Praise be to God!

First of all, the news finally came that we will once again have a resident pastor! YAAYY!!! I can not begin to express how much JOY this brings to my heart. I have worried and prayed for myself and sooooo many others in our parish who desperately need a resident shepherd, and God has heard our cry. Thank you, Father.

Second, I went to spend time with Jesus on Monday, in front of the tabernacle at my very chilly church. It was wonderful. The heat is only on for Mass twice a week, so it was quite chilly with the drastic change in temperature here---22 degrees last night---Yikes!---but the time flew and I barely noticed it at all once my soul was enflamed with His love.

Anyway, I have my own key, and I like to go and just spend time in silence with our Beloved whenever I can. This time, however, I was far from silent, as my mind was running a mile a minute and I had a lot to say. Mostly, I was babbling to Jesus about family and friends and our new priest, and finally talking to Him about my vocation. I begged Him again, as I always do, to please let me serve Him as a religious. As usual, I ended my pleading with an act of faith, giving it to Him and making my quiet fiat, but this time I asked Him to give me some more tangible guidance, a sign perhaps, as it will soon be a year since I sent in my application and was accepted as a postulant.

It has been months since I felt any forward motion on my dream of entering the convent, and I was wondering if it simply was not meant to be after all? I asked Jesus if He wanted me to stay in this town forever, as a lay person, or move elsewhere as a layperson with a new job, or if He was ever going to permit me to become a Daughter of Mary? I am sure there is much I could do, if it is His will for me to stay here, but I prayed that I had already discerned His will correctly, and that He is preparing a place for me in the convent.

I am trying very hard to love the will of God more than my own, accepting that if He chooses not to remove the obstacles to my entrance, then I will be happy to stay right here and give it up, knowing His will is perfect, and that although I can not see it now, His reasons and my genuine acceptance of His plan will bring about far greater good for my soul and the Kingdom of God than my whining about it and remaining attached to my own designs for the future. Once I finally had my say, I remembered that Jesus already knows my heart and that I was there to listen to Him.

The silence in a Catholic Church is tangible when we open our ears to hear it. I can feel Jesus in my soul, working on it, healing it. It never takes long, sitting with Him and being filled with His love, before I remember that I do not need an answer that day --- He always works things out for the best. Every time I simply just sit with Him in the silence and let Him speak to my soul, things always have a way of working themselves out in some way or another, and peace always accompanies the resolution. So when I was ready to leave, I was once again peacefully resigned to wait on the Lord.

If you know anything about my faith journey, (which you can read here), you know that I have never seen Blue Jay birds until last year, when the Lord sent many of them to me all year long, everywhere I went, giving me a huge sense of His love, and a belief that they symbolized something that had to do with my journey. When I first met with the Daughters of Mary, I learned that they were known as the Blue Jay sisters, and that, along with some other good affirmations, made me confident that God was calling me to them, specifically.

After I was accepted by the Blue Jay sisters, I stopped seeing the Blue jays, except on Holy Days (Easter and Divine Mercy Sunday), and then I went back to seeing none, even though my friends reported seeing them everywhere, even flocks of them. This sounds crazy, I know, but I wondered why He took them away? And then yesterday, after having asked for a sign from God the night before, I let the dogs out to do their business first thing in the morning, and there was a big ol’ beautiful Blue Jay! I was not even awake enough to be thinking about anything but getting my office open for the day, and I immediately felt a sense of peace.

God is so merciful and kind and good to us! I had been hearing what I thought to be Blue Jays for a few days prior, but never saw them. I knew what I was hearing, but I had to see to believe…..kinda reminds me of Thomas, who heard of the Lord’s resurrection, but would not believe until He saw for himself. Maybe this is a call to greater faith, trusting in what the Lord speaks to my heart, even though there is nothing to see at this time. Wow.

May it be done according to Your Word.

Stitches out!

2010-10-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

Got my stitches out today! Woo hoo! I definitely look like Frankenstein, but since Halloween is just around the corner, no worries! :-)

God is good. The peace He has given me these past few days, fills my heart with joy! I am learning and understanding a little better each day, and living to love Him and trust Him in each given moment. I know this is easy to say today, when I feel Him so close to me, but I am just so thankful for some new insights that He is developing in my heart, that I hope I will have the strength and peace to move forward into whatever lies ahead, regardless of what He does or does not permit. Of course I always pray that I will one day be a Daughter of Mary, but at least for today, I am doing better at loving His will more than my own will. If He does not permit it, then He has His reasons, and my life will be His no matter what. (Please remind me of this next time I get sad about not being in the convent! :-)

Your will be done, Lord! :-)

Surgery

2010-10-22T09:48:00.000-04:00

The phone has been dead this week......Not good for my bottom line, but good in the sense that I am one week past my gall bladder surgery and have been thankful for the quiet and the chance to recuperate. Thanks be to God . . .

The anesthesia has played a weird part in my brain this week. I realize how much I have to be thankful for, now that the haze and fog are clearing and I am coming back into my right mind. :-) Seriously, though, what a gift to be able to think and reason and make sense of things....to be able to write and have control over my thoughts, at least to whatever extent I ever had control. What a terrible suffering it must be for people who become brain damaged or suffer from Alzheimer's disease or lose cognitive function for whatever reason, after having been able to put two and two together. I have had the weirdest dreams, but more than that, my emotions were nutty and my thoughts made me feel like I was walking a tightrope, between sanity and a few fries short of a Happy Meal. I am thankful that it is over.

Before my surgery, as I was putting on the gown and the hair net, I was stressed a bit about my brown scapular--I did not want to remove it or get into an argument about keeping it on me. So I prayed to God that it would be invisible to everyone in the operating room. When we got in there, of course you are in nothing but your birthday suit and a hair net, so certainly they would make me remove it from the sterile environment, but guess what? They never even mentioned it, because they never even saw it. I know it is not a magical charm or a superstitious rabbit's foot of sorts. But if reminds me of who I am as a child of God and it is the closet thing I have to taking the habit to give myself to Him in a profound and personal way. The fact that I was able to wear it and no one saw it on me, was a special gift when the amnesia effects of the anesthesia were playing games with my mind. It was a reminder that Jesus and Mary were with me through the entire thing, and that nothing ever happens in this life that God does not permit because He intends to bring a greater good from it. He always knows just what we need. I hope He thinks I need to be a Daughter of Mary.

I know---I am obssessed. But I just can not believe that He would bring me to this point, only to use all of this to teach me some kind of lesson, sending me on my merry way to live life for Him as a single person in the world. Oh, I pray He brings me to the convent soon. But in the end, His will and His timing are perfect. I pray that my own will lines up with His as I surrender again and again and again . . . Your will be done.

fiat

prayer . . .

2010-10-19T16:07:00.000-04:00

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful,
And kindle in us the fire of Your Love . . . .

Come Holy, Spirit, COME.

Come Holy Ghost, Creator blest,
And in my soul take up Your rest.
Come . . .

Dear Holy Spirit, light of our souls, spare me from this darkness.
I am like a leaf on the wind, a ship at sea without a sail.
Guide me.
Push me, pull me, show me, stretch me,
But please don’t let me break.
I am so tired, I fear I can barely remember You.
I can not do this on my own.
It would be too easy to close my eyes forever and try not to remember.
But when I do, the pain is intolerable…the loss, the darkness, the loneliness.
I am nothing without You.
And while I am told that You are always here, even when I can not feel you, see you,
To me, You are but a distant memory today, growing more and more distant away as each day passes.
And soon will be the winter.

Send forth Your Spirit, and we shall be created.
And You shall renew the face of the earth.

Oh God, Who by the light of the Holy Spirit,
Instructs the hearts of the faithful,
Grant that by that same Holy Spirit,
We may be truly wise,
And ever rejoice in His consolations,
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.

I think this is surrender . . .

2010-10-06T09:55:00.002-04:00

It has been QUITE a couple o' weeks here. Sooooo many gifts and insights, sooo many sorrows and sufferings. But it is all for the kingdom of heaven, so we count it all GOOD. God permits nothing that He does not intend to use for a greater GOOD, So bring it on!

About a month ago, I found myself becoming very frustrated, even irritable at times. I don't think this was anything of which my clients were aware, but internally, I felt like the fabric of my very soul was being ripped in two. I struggled to see God's mercy in all of this waiting, but all I could see were my failures, how ever year our Jesus has given me the grace to learn how to be Mary and every year I choose to be Martha. This is PRIDE, as apparently I have believed all along that I could do this better than God. Really, I thought I was helping Him and that He wanted my help, but now I think this may be the greatest lesson of all: He loves me more than He loves anything I could possibly ever do for Him.

So after 8 or 9 months of trying to fundraise and make this happen somehow, I am taking Dear Father O'Rourke's sage advice: I am putting this behind me.

Oh, I do not mean that I am giving up on my hope to become a Daughter of Mary of the Immaculate Conception, but that I give up trying to actively fundraise so that my obstacles will be removed. Our all-powerful God could litterally drop a bag of money out of the sky if He wanted, and surely He could inspire someone whom He has financially blessed to help me, so if this is truly HIS VOCATION for me, then I must believe He will remove the obstacle without my crying about it or worrying about it or even thinking about. When Fr. O'Rourke told me to put it behind you, I cried. It felt like it was over. But when I did put it behind me, I realized that was the truest surrender I had made yet, and then fruit of the Holy Spirit, peace, came into my heart, and the frustration was dispelled. Exhausting.

The interesting thing, was that that I was blessed to have dinner a few days later with Bishop Bambera, Father Boylan, Father Manarchuck, Father O'Rourke, Father Chmil, Father Hornick, Deacon Bill and Mary Graham, Deacon Joe Roinick and Father Cummings following confirmation at our Parish last Wednesday. First let me say, it does not matter where you are, the power of Holy Spirit at the Sacrament of Confirmation is soooo TANGIBLE you can reach out and touch Him ---To be filled with that love is a gift. Second, I received so much love and encouragement and concern regarding my vocation, and I have to be honest, there had been practically NONE up to that point. It was genuine and kind and I could feel the love the way Jesus meant for us to love one another as the Body of Christ. I didn't ask for it, it was just there, a free gift. I am very grateful for that night. It went a long way in healing my weary soul.

That brings us up to this weekend. The yard sale was a HUGE SUCCESS. It was chaos, so many people came. I don't have much left and I made around $1,000 so that was great. Then on Sunday, I was blessed to give a quick talk at the closing of the Women's Cursillo. What beautiful things our God did in the souls of these women! It was inspirational and uplifting and yet another gift to be there with them all. I could talk for hours, but I was only supposed to speak for 5-10 minutes. I hope I did not go over, but there was so much to say. I just tried to let the Holy Spirit do the talking. I got to meet many new sisters in Christ and visit with my best friends from Cursillo's past. Being on team was the first thing I said NO to this year, because I felt I would be at the convent and did not want to let the team down. I missed it, and even though I could have done it, in retrospect, God has used the time for other things. Sr. Alma wants me to bring Cursillo to New Britain, Connecticut! How wonderful that would be! I just keep hoping and praying.

I love you, Father! May it be done according to Your Word! Fiat!

What an incredible week! Soooo BLESSED

2010-10-05T10:10:00.000-04:00

I have so much to write about.........Still processing it all.....Suffice it to say, my heart is light and filled with joy! I have wonderful sisters and brothers in Christ, and God knew I needed some love this weekend and I received it in abundance. Thank you, Beloved Lord Jesus!

More to come this evening......gotta run to the courthouse...... Fiat!

Everything is Grace

2010-09-17T10:23:00.000-04:00

Grace abounds! St. Therese once said, Everything is grace. How right she was. Even in this time of suffering, when it seems that most everyone I know is enduring some spiritual, emotional, painfully terrible situation, and where I, myself, am wondering when God will permit me to come to Connecticut to serve Him as a Daughter of Mary, I still know, in my heart of hearts, that there is always mercy. I know because He tells us, and I know because I have experienced it time and time again, that God does not permit us to suffer any situation, large or small, without knowing that He can bring about a far greater good for our souls.

And so here I am, even in the midst of having come to the end of my inspirations for how to go about fundraising and 'helping God" to remove this obstacle, (HA!) I know that He has the situation under complete control. Even though there seems to be nothing stirring in the world to remove the blinders from those who might help in this ministry, I know that our Father's Will, will always be done. And what is better than that? Nothing. (Although I still need much work on internalizing this great Truth).

As an act of faith, I am gathering all of the belongings I can divest of myself of, to sell at a big yard sale October 1st and 2nd. As I look at things like my china, which I love to use for dinner parties and making holidays special, my first thought is to keep it, so I will have it for Christmas. My second thought is that an act of faith is just that--An Act of Faith, that this obstacle will be resolved and I will be serving our Lord before the holidays, so be done with this stuff! Actually, there is a certain freedom I am feeling from getting rid of my things. Everything is grace, and our merciful God is using this to stretch my faith muscles. Again, I surrender. Please Lord, help me surrender.

Fiat. Your will be done.

NEW BOOK REVIEW: Hope for Hard Times ............ a '30-minute read' by Scott Hahn

2010-09-10T20:49:00.002-04:00

     I love this little book! It is classified as a ’30-minute read,’ and truly it is. It’s just a perfect little nugget to chew on, for anyone who is experiencing hard times, or for those who may be trying to help a friend or loved one who is experiencing a painful period in his or her life. Let’s face it, people who are suffering and struggling do not often have the time or the strength to read and digest a 300-page college level discussion. This valuable little book is a succinct but great reminder of truths we already hold dear.

     I especially appreciated the numerous scripture references and quotes from great saints. These example gives us courage to persevere. Here is one I had never heard before:

          If God allows you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you and that He certainly intends to make you a saint. ~ St. Ignatius of Loyola

      Dr. Hahn does not downplay or sugar coat the suffering of anyone in this little gem, nor is his attitude a platitude of pity. Instead, it is solidly backed in scripture and the Truth. The Truth is that all of the saints suffered greatly, and their suffering had great redemptive value. Unlike so many televangelists preaching a" prosperity gospel" today, Dr. Hahn points out that our suffering is not without merit – Our Father always uses it to bring about a greater good. Those who find themselves successful in the eyes of the world, having suffered very little, may find the joys of this world to be their only joys as they find no need for God and travel life on the wide path to perdition. On the other hand, those who pick up their Cross, uniting themselves to Christ on the narrow path, have their hope and faith fulfilled in the world to come.

      St Theresa of Avila once complained to God about how He treated His friends, saying, “It’s no wonder You have so few!” Dr. Hahn tells us it is OK for us to complain to God, but that those who find themselves in trouble, are those who complain about God. St. Paul warned the Corinthians in 1 Cor 10:9-11 about the consequences of grumbling, and Dr. hahn compared Paul’s words to the Psalms, of which more than 40% are psalms of ‘lament’ or complaint. The Psalms, like Paul, always end with an act of faith, so their complaining always has an underlying hope for the future, even if it is not to be realized until one reaches heaven. We should not be afraid to come to God with our complaint, as long as we remember to make our acts of faith and hope. What we want and what we need are two entirely different things. God always gives us what we need. He may not always give us what we want.

P.S. If you are interested in reviewing books for the Catholic Company, you can receive free copies of the books you review. Check the Catholic Company for more information.

P.P.S If you know anything about me, you know I love our Mother, Mary! Be sure to check out the Catholic Company's Mary Statues as well as lots of great books on why Catholics love their Mother so much!

Just a pencil . . .

2010-09-02T12:23:00.000-04:00

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.

I don't claim anything of the work. It is his work. I am like a little pencil in his hand. That is all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it.

~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Retreat

2010-08-24T22:27:00.000-04:00

Father Cassian asked each of the sisters who attended our recent retreat to write a two-paragraph summary of what we discussed during our sessions with him. He is compiling them all together along with his own reflections, for the benefit of the sisters who were not able to attend. It is difficult for me to limit myself to such a short synopsis, (there was sooooo much more to the retreat than can be discussed in 2 paragraphs), but here is a short summary of some of what we discussed:

What an incredible, Holy-Spirit-inspired week it was with Father Cassian and the Daughters of Mary! We spoke of many things, but the centrality of the Eucharist in the Church – the source and summit of our faith – was addressed especially, and at great length. Father Cassian was resolute in his belief that Eucharistic Adoration, especially perpetual adoration, were a necessary component of Marian Spirituality, and at the very heart of the Daughters of Mary. Adoration is inextricably connected, heart to heart, Sacred to Immaculate, as Mary perpetually adores the Sacred Heart of her Son. What greater act of love can there be for each of us, but for the lover of Jesus to gaze upon her Beloved in His Eucharistic presence? Father Cassian has promised, and other religious communities stand as beacons of truth and evidence: Communities who institute Perpetual Adoration see
a great increase in holiness and vocations.

Among many of the other topics of great importance to which Father Cassian directed our attention, was a discussion about the mission of the Daughters of Mary. By way of example, we are called by our inspirational mission statement and creedal statements to defend and protect life. I wondered how zealously are the Daughters of Mary doing this, and if there is more that could be done to protect children and adults in need? Father Cassian said unequivocally, that to live out our mission, we must know the Church, inside and outside, and the writings of our Holy Father, and the current difficulties and challenges facing the Church. He advised most strenuously that we must be committed to continual formation throughout our religious life. There is never a time to stop learning, growing and re-adjusting to the changing times and needs of our world. Per the Vita Consecrata, religious life is essentially prophetic by nature, as it proclaims the Gospel. Again I pondered if our quiet witness is our only means of proclaiming, or must we be the voice who cries out in the wilderness? Father Cassian suggested that we meditate on the mission statement. As I contemplate the beautiful words of the Daughters of Mary mission statement, I am drawn to how Mary went in haste to her cousin, Elizabeth. I too, long to go in haste, as a Daughter of Mary, to bring the loving and healing presence of Christ into this world of so much poverty of faith and spirit and resources, with conviction and the gentle courage and faithful commitment of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Thank you, Jesus and Mary, for a wonderful retreat!

FIAT!

BLESSED

2010-08-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

I hardly know what to say.......I think it will be days......no, WEEKS before I can process all that happened on my retreat with the Daughters of Mary. Suffice it to say, my commitment to following Christ is stronger than ever and my resolve to surrendering everything to Him seems somehow easier. My soon-to-be-sisters are incredible -- I love them already! And Father Cassian Yuhaus is a saint living among us........an incredibly holy and prophetic retreat master. He was friends with Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, Pope John XXIII and Padre Pio. He is a devoted, brilliant, holy servant of the God, and I am privileged to have his guidance and direction in spiritual matters. He is a treasure of the Church. I am thankful to God for his life and his holy vocation. Deo gratias!

So now I continue to wait in joyful hope! And now that I have lived in community with my sisters for a week and been witness to their joy, passion, faith, commitment and love, I am even more excited about joining them. What a gift this calling is! This love God has for us is CRAZY! Crazy, unfettered, joyous, deep, uniquely personal L-O-V-E. I can hardly believe how fortunate I am to even begin to recognize some of the depths of this love for me, and I wonder how I could ever live up to such an incredible gift. I can not even find the words to describe it! All I can do is shake my head in wonder and say once again, Fiat! Your will be done!

Retreat!

2010-07-31T16:41:00.000-04:00

I am leaving tomorrow for a 7-day retreat with my soon-to-be sisters! Woo hoo! I am excited and a bit nervous, as I know the Lord will give me much to think about this week. If you happen by while I am away, please pray for me, that I will grow in closer union with Him and never let my pride and self-sufficiency come between us. And please know that I am praying for you . . .

Please pray also for Melissa, as she prepares to enter the Novitiate on August 15, the Feast of the Assumption, and for all of the sisters as they grow in love to serve the Lord and all of His children.

Blessed Mother, please pray for us.
Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, please pray for us.

Let it be done according to Your Word, Lord.

Making Room

2010-07-22T15:09:00.000-04:00

We must remember only Jesus, think only of Jesus,
counting any loss as profit
insofar as it makes more room in us
for thought about and knowledge of Jesus,
beside whom everything else is nothing.
I must keep all my powers for God.

~ Venerable Charles de Foucauld, 1858-1916 ~

Samaritans

2010-07-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

What a morning! I was sooo HAPPY that my Mom and I were going to get to go to Mass together. This rarely happens, because I usually have to play the organ, so this was a real treat! But we almost did not make it . . .

As luck would have it-----Not luck------As GOD would have it, my Mom came to my house 30 minutes early. I was thrilled, because I like to have as much time as possible with Jesus before Mass begins, so I was glad she misunderstood the time and came ahead of schedule. Had we not had the benefit of these 30 minutes, we would have missed Mass altogether, as we got a flat tire on the way. This was an awesome gift for several reasons, but mostly because it was an opportunity for great Grace.

Today’s Gospel reading was from Luke 10:25-37, the parable of the good Samaritan. How perfect! As the victim of the robbers lay stripped, beaten and half-dead on the side of the road, the priest and Levite passed him by. But the Samaritan stopped and helped him, tending to his wounds and paying for his lodging so he could rest and get well. It was incredible, that as Mom and I sat on the side of the road waiting for Dad to come and bring the spare, FIVE different cars stopped to help us. This was amazing, because I had been stopped on the Turnpike once in the 80s, and sat there for hours before I could get anyone to help. (Those were the days before cell phones). One after another, on this less-than-busy stretch of highway, men, women and cars with families stopped and got out of their cars to offer aid—Not just slowed down, but stopped and got out and made sure we were OK. One even had a nice chat with us about God and faith when she found out we were on our way to Church. She offered to drive us to Church so we wouldn’t miss, but we were worried about Dad with his congestive heart failure changing the tire by himself, so we waited for him, and he cheerfully and lovingly changed the tired for us and gave us his car for the rest of our trip. As it turned out, Father Jacek must have started a few minutes late, because we only missed the opening prayers and arrived in time for the first reading! I could hardly believe it!

Father Jacek is a very holy, humble and inspirational priest. His homilies are never dull or uninspired, and they always speak to every soul who is walking on any part of the journey to Jesus. Today’s homily was no different. It was filled with not just one incredible nugget to chew on for the week, but many. Mostly he challenged us to be good neighbors and to open our hearts to loving all of God’s children. Of course I could not help but think of how many Samaritans I saw today and how easily they gave of themselves to a stranger on the side of the road. God’s grace is everywhere! I am sure that this was not only a gift from above, but a powerful reminder.

In a world where so many find nothing but fault, it was a tremendous gift to see God working through so many souls in such a tangible, generous way. It was a beautiful example of God’s love for us, inspiring us to care for one another even in small things. Yet it was also a great reminder to me of the power of God to move hearts to help when there is a need. It was an affirmation that He is working everything out to bring me to the Daughters of Mary in HIS time. When will I learn?? Thankfully, He is a patient teacher.

Thank you, Jesus, for so many great examples of Christian charity today! And thank you for always sending help when we need it. I know you are working things out for our best in this life, and I leave it to you to work out the details. Fiat!

Living in the Garden

2010-07-10T23:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, it is just plain hard to pray the Sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. Sometimes, I just want to pray over and over and over again, the first Joyful mystery, The Annunciation. I long to learn more and more how to be like our Blessed Mother, so humble and giving and always ready to do the will of the Father. I love her fiat. But other times, especially when I feel like I am suffering for some reason or another, I long for an understanding of Jesus and His Agony in the Garden. This was one of those weeks.

I have confidence that our Beloved has called me to the Daughters of Mary of the Immaculate Conception in Connecticut. But some people hold the opinion that if God does not make straight the path in the easiest and quickest possible way, then there is reason to doubt if it is truly God’s will.

Certainly, if God does not want me to go, then He has good reason. I will be very, VERY sad if that is true, but I know in my heart that His plans are perfect, even if they are seemingly devastating to MY will. So again, I SURRENDER. Fiat!

I do still have great hope. In fact, the way I see this, is that God is refining me, helping me to lose another layer of pride and self-sufficiency, relying only on Him and realizing who I am in the scheme of things. As St Therese once said, He is the One Who IS. I am the one who is not.

My town is a small one. Since the word is out that I am going to be joining a religious order and closing my law office, my phone has all but stopped ringing at a time when I most need financial success to remove the obstacles to my entrance. I knew my announcement would eventually lead to the demise of my business, but I had hoped that the final fundraising would coincide with the end of my business. Fundraising is going slowly, and so the obstacle to my becoming a religious sister remains unchanged. And because of the delay since my initial announcement, the family that was going to give my puppies a new, loving home, got a dog of their own two weeks ago. I can’t blame them, I mean, how can you tell your kids they are getting a dog and then make them wait and wait and wait? I am sure God has a plan for my puppies and for me. It does seem, however, that everything is falling apart. My hope and prayer is that God will amaze all of us with the plans He has to make my vocation come to its fruition.

He always gives me hope with His Word. Today’s reading from Isaiah 6:8 is my cry: "Here I am," I said; "send me!"

And today’s Gospel is my comfort, "Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father's knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matt 10:29-31

We are loved!
Let it be done according to Your word. Let it be done!

Litany of Humility

2010-07-06T13:53:00.000-04:00

~ Rafael Cardinal Merry Del Val
(1865-1930)

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved …
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others …
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised …
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything …
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should …

Surrender

2010-06-25T13:32:00.001-04:00

Whoever surrenders unconditionally to the Lord,

will be chosen by Him,

as an instrument for building His Kingdom.

~ St. Theresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)

The Day Before . . .

2010-06-14T16:25:00.000-04:00

The rosary is a beautiful, efficacious prayer. Praying the rosary brings about profound life changes, as Mary leads us closer and closer to the foot of the Cross, and into the depths of the Sacred Heart of her Son, Jesus.

Recently, as I pray and meditate upon the mysteries of the Gospel which are at the heart of the rosary, I find my meditation and thoughts being drawn to the day before. This has led me to consider every mystery of the rosary in this context, as well as some other accounts in the bible where people experienced great conversions or changes of heart. Have you ever considered what it was like, for instance,

The day before . . .

. . . the Angel Gabriel came to Mary
. . . Joseph had a dream
. . . Mary’s visit to Elizabeth
. . . the shepherds heard the angel
. . . the Magi saw the Star
. . . Simeon met the Holy Family
. . . Anna met the Holy Family
. . . the men in the temple met the Child Jesus
. . . the baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist
. . . the wedding at Cana
. . . the proclamation of the Kingdom of Heaven
. . . the healing of the blind man, leper, woman with hemorrhages, etc.
. . . raising Lazarus from the dead
. . . the transfiguration of Jesus
. . . the institution of the Eucharist
. . . the agony in the garden of Gethsemane
. . . the suffering, crucifixion and death of Jesus
. . . the resurrection of Jesus
. . . the ascension of Jesus into heaven
. . . the descent of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost

At first I thought the gift of this meditation was merely a help in my waiting to enter the Daughters of Mary….that my life could change any moment and I could be on my way to Connecticut…that I, myself, was living in the day before. But then I realized that the truth is that we are all living in the day before and that each of our lives can change in an instant. Quite frankly, our lives will probably change in an instant for any number of reasons over the course of our lives.

So what does it mean to be living in the day before? It means surrendering this day to God, knowing that He is in charge and that His plan is perfect…..Knowing that we can trust to our faithful Creator, our most vulnerable, frail, imperfect hearts, and He will always bring about the best for us, even when we can not see it for ourselves at a particular moment. All we need do is to cooperate with His grace and make an effort to actively surrender everything to Him, making FIAT! our battle cry. Be it done unto us according to Your Word, Lord.

Waiting in Joyful Hope

2010-06-07T11:00:00.001-04:00

Waiting in Joyful Hope…….Well, most of the time……

What does it take to surrender? None of this comes naturally to me. Every fraction of an act of surrender and trust in God takes an act of the will. Every once in awhile, I get a tiny glimpse that perhaps it is becoming second nature for me, but always it is short-lived and I must surrender again and again and again.

My first response to any problem or question is almost always a well thought-out framework for how to solve it or fix it. I have always believed that there was nothing I could not do, given a timeline and a few resources. But this is not always the case when God is in charge. Sometimes He has other plans or does not wish to give me the resources I want to solve the problem.

So what then is surrender? Where do trust and surrender end and plain ol’ stupidity or laziness begin?

I often think of the story of the man who refused help when floods threatened to wash him and his home away. First came the man to the door telling him to evacuate and his response was, No thank you. The Lord will provide! And then, as the waters began to rise and he found himself standing in knee deep water, a row boat came by offering assistance to get him to dry ground, and again he said, Thank you, no. The Lord will provide! Then finally, up on his roof, as his house was about to wash away, a helicopter came to rescue him and again he refused help, saying The Lord will provide.

When he arrived at the pearly gates, after drowning in the flood, he asked St Peter why God let him die? And St Peter’s response was, Are you kidding me?? He sent you three men, a boat and a helicopter!

I think the moral of this story is that we must cooperate with Grace. It is so much easier when the need and response is instantaneous, but when it is drawn out over a period of time, I think it becomes harder to discern which is the life raft and which is my own agenda. Am I cooperating with the Holy Spirit or am I being lazy? Oh boy, can I relate to Martha. I want to be Mary, but I always end up more like Martha, making things happen and working until the work is done. Who knew that being Mary was so difficult?

God has given me so many gifts, one of the best gifts being my vocation to the religious life and my acceptance into the Daughters of Mary of the Immaculate Conception. Oh, I long to join them! I beg our Beloved Jesus to remove the obstacles to my entry every day. But the process has seemed sooooo slow.

Every day, I give Him my life, my work and my heart. I give Him my family and my friends and everything that us important to us. Every day I tell Him that I know His timing is perfect, and there must be some reason why I am still here, waiting in joyful hope. But some days, I wonder.

I wonder if God wants me to do more? I mean, is it enough that the word is out there that I need help, that eventually someone or some circumstance will arise to help me remove the obstacles to my entering religious life? Should I do something? Ooooo….right as I typed that last sentence, I heard in my heart, Mary’s words, Do whatever He tells you to do. Wow.

That Mother of ours is always listening….always helping…always on my side, helping me to find my way ever closer to the foot of the Cross. I’m going to have to stop this typing for a little while. Time to listen . . .

JOY!

2010-05-26T12:30:00.003-04:00

I wish I could express the Joy I have in my heart! I mean, all around me people are suffering terrible things like serious illness, loss of jobs, depression, divorce……but in my heart, at this moment, my cup overflows!

Oh, it is not that I don’t care about the suffering of my friends and clients and family---I LOVE them very much. But this Joy surpasses human condition and present emotion and reaction to events and troubles.

What is this Joy?

An online free dictionary explains it as intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness. But is THAT all this is?

Archbishop Timothy Dolan says, “Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God within.” Oh yeah…yes…yep…..That’s IT!

There are plenty of things I could be complaining about----It’s too hot, my house is a mess, somebody yelled at me, my car broke down, the weeds in the yard are winning, my Mommy is sick, ugh….my Mommy is sick. But does this steal my Joy? No. Not today. Because God’s presence is within me. He lives in me, through me and with me. He is my Beloved, and I am His. This Joy is internal and it is eternal. He has given Himself to me, and I to Him.

Do I always feel so great? Are some days better than others? Of course there are! But that is because of my human weakness and frailty and not because He has done anything wrong. In this relationship, if there is ever a disagreement, I am always wrong, He is always right. Usually, if there is a lack of the feeling of Joy in my soul, it is because I am not including Him, not keeping Him at the center of my life. Always there is sin to cloud things up, but thankfully, confession clears the air and lets me see Him clearly again. He is my Joy, our Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Great News---We Christians can all have this Joy! We only need to surrender ourselves to His grace….To live in His Presence……To give Him every moment of every day, even on days when we have to remind ourselves that we are giving Him every moment of every day. And at the end of the day, we speak to our Beloved, and talk to Him about the times when we turned away from Him, the times when we did not include Him and walked away from His grace. And then simply, we ask Him to help us do better the next day.

Let us try always to give Him our moments! He is our Beloved and He deserves nothing less.

for my Beloved . . .

2010-05-23T22:44:00.000-04:00

Worthy, I am not
But you give me everything I desire
What have I, that has not come from You?
Everything I have is Yours.
My very life and breath are Yours alone.
For my part, I surrender. . . .
Help me surrender.

How can I thank you for such undeserved attention?
Never before have I known such tender love!
You fragrance the morning air with the sweet song of the mourning dove.
You call the blue jays to dance under the trees.
Your red birds tickle me and make me smile.
All these you give to me.

The very thought of you evokes joy and pleasure immeasurable
You are with me always, I know
But you tease me when you hide
Ah, such hidden pleasures
To know You and love you, even when I feel you distant away.

Oh my Beloved
Leave me not for a second
Rest beside me when I sleep
Without Your hand on mine, I am lost

I whisper Your name
But where is the breeze that lifts me to You?
Oh, I know You are there, but you make me wait.
You make me want You, desire You with every beat of my heart
My soul cries out and echoes in the desert.
Sweet misery when your presence escapes me.
Stay with me.
Breathe in me.
Pray in me.

Without you, I am lost . . .

Go, therefore, and be Messengers of Joy!

2010-05-18T09:16:00.003-04:00

Christ came to bring joy;

Joy to children, joy to parents,

Joy to families and friends,

Joy to the sick and elderly,

Joy to all humanity.

In a true sense,

Joy is the keynote message of Christianity,
and the recurring motif of the Gospels.

Go, therefore, and become Messengers of Joy!

~ Pope John Paul II

FIAT!

2010-05-14T19:59:00.000-04:00

Fiat! What was Mary’s fiat? During this month of May, the month traditionally held to be Mary’s month, we can not think of our Blessed Mother without remembering her FIAT. Translated from Latin, fiat is simply Let it be done.

Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."

Luke 1:38

     May it be done to ME.

     May it be DONE.

     May it BE.

     What is Mary’s Fiat, but a complete and total surrender to the will of God? A YES, without having to know every single detail of what will happen in her world. A YES to the joy of bringing the Son of God into the world with her quiet cooperation. A YES to the suffering, and the swords that would pierce her own heart for giving everything she had and everything she was to our Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

     Do we say YES to our Lord every day? Do we say YES to suffering and YES to loving and YES to giving everything we are to our Father in heaven, His Son, and our sanctifier, comforter and teacher, the Holy Spirit?

     Jesus lived His FIAT to our Father in heaven every day of His earthly life. During His agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, His remarkable fiat when He said, Not my will, but Thine be done, was nothing less than a complete and total gift of Himself for you and for me. Without this gift, we could have no hope of redemption.

     How can we honor God and give ourselves to Him? How can we begin to live our lives more and more for Him each day through our surrender to His Divine will? How can we make Mary’s words our own? Perhaps we should be like Mary and ponder these things in our hearts. Let it be done unto us according to Your Word, Lord. Let it be done.

The Journey

2010-05-14T19:53:00.002-04:00

     In my life, I have been a musician, a certified music teacher, an attorney and a college professor. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. I used to know God on a very limited, impersonal basis, not unlike many of my gifted and talented college friends, because I think we all saw ourselves as self-made, not needing anyone else, including God. We were talented and smart, and with few exceptions, we attributed all of our gifts to our own hard work. We did not see our talents as the tremendous gifts from God that they truly are. We were fiercely independent, as many young people are today, and sadly, we saw no need for Him.

    It was not until after I was attacked in my bedroom by an unknown assailant in 1998, that I had to cry out to God in desperation, for the first time ever. Truly, I credit this horrible assault as having been the event that led me back to the heart of God, and although it makes little sense to many people, I now see it as an enormous blessing that our Lord permitted this evil. It was then when I was at my lowest, and I began to finally see that everything I had and everything I could do with my mind and my hands were all a gift from God. Of course this knowledge did not come overnight, but in God’s perfect time in the years which followed. With my first desperate call to Him, and with the hope that He might hear me, He brought me out of darkness and back into the light. I realize now that He was always there, but that my cold heart was not ready to see Him or hear Him until I had nowhere else to turn.

     It was a few years after the attack, that I had a dream. Suffice it to say, I found Jesus in this dream. His demeanor and the love and gentle peace that accompanied His presence gave me great joy. I did not know it was Him at the time, but when He put His hands on mine and looked into my eyes, I knew I had found love. The dream was a gift and it worked in my life to help me begin to change my cynical perspective.

     This dream occurred around the same time that I was miraculously healed from the PTSD associated with my attack. I had traveled with a friend to Ottawa to see a holy and humble priest friend of his. When Father Kane was introduced to me and he looked at me, he held my glance and a peaceful smile came over his face. He spent the next few minutes alone with my friend and my friend’s daughter, and when they left his office, he asked me to come in. We spoke for a few minutes, and he asked if he could pray for me. He was well known for his healing of the memories, although I had no idea what that meant. I thought he was very kind to pray with me, as he read a gospel and then prayed over me in tongues before we said our goodbyes. I thanked him and he was so gracious and kind and filled with joy. I did not expect to be healed because it did not make any sense to me how you could live with these memories and then still have them but not the nightmares and flashbacks. It was not until a few weeks later that I recognized that I had no more nightmares, flashbacks or panic attacks. I have been 100% fine ever since then, with absolutely no recurrence. Thank you, Jesus!

     Some time after that, I was feeling called to spend time in silence at the Church, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and so I made an effort to regularly do so. Then, one day, while I was in the church alone, I heard an audible voice telling me that I needed to forgive the man who attacked me. I was alone in the Church, so this surprised me. I looked around, and then went back to my contemplation. I heard it again, looked around again, and then said, out loud, “Lord, I don’t know what you are asking me to do! I have no ill will toward this man. I am healed. It’s over. But if you want me to then, FINE. I forgive the man who attacked me. I forgive him for the scars on my body. I forgive him for the lost years and the darkness….” I went on and on in a litany of everything I felt I had lost, until I had nothing more to say, and then I heard just as clearly, that I must be praying for this man’s conversion, as if it was an emergency. And so I did.

     Over the months which followed, I prayed rosaries and Chaplets and asked for intercession by my friends and all the saints in heaven. I wrote the story and my intentions for him, on every prayer intention slip I could get my hands on, and I am confident that I will see him in heaven someday. I look forward to it, and I am happy about it. I know he is my new brother in Christ Jesus, and in a bizarre way, He brought me to Him. I forgive him, and I love him. The unfathomable Divine Mercy of our Lord began to take on a great importance to me. I was given a great gift of mercy and understanding, and through this gift, I began to appreciate the depth of love the Father has for each and every one of us, as well as the depth of sorrow for sin. I treasure this incredibly beautiful gift from our most generous Beloved, the Divine Giver. Maybe someday I will tell you more about it.

     One of the first overt callings I had from Christ was when I made my Cursillo in October 2004. The weekend was almost over, and I ended up being inadvertently seated alone in the Chapel. I began to have a strong feeling of all of the abandonment I had ever felt in my life, including the attack, and then I looked up at Jesus on the cross, and for a brief moment, I was able to share in His abandonment on the cross, along with all of the pain and suffering that entailed. It was only for a moment and then it was replaced with the most incredible joy I had ever known. I knew for the first time that Jesus was with me always and that I was never alone, no matter what. I knew He was calling me to bring Him to everyone, everywhere, especially given the theme for that weekend, Pope John Paul II’s “Go, therefore, and be Messengers of Joy!” I could think of nothing else and I longed to be His Messenger of Joy, joining forces with Him in every way I possibly could. It was through this Cursillo weekend, there began an unquenchable fire burning in my heart that has only grown and will never be extinguished.

     There have been many wonderful experiences and moments close to God in the years since then, and I have longed to give my life to Him as a missionary sister, giving up all of my worldly possessions to follow Him wherever He called me. I began to wonder if it might only be the desire of my heart and not a call from God, because I had prayed, and He did not remove the obstacles or give me any insight as to how to resolve my school loan debt so that I could leave to bring Him to those living in darkness. All that changed at the beginning of 2009.

     In early 2009, I became acutely aware of the gifts God was giving me in every part of my life. I had adopted St Therese’s quote as my own, “He gives me whatever I want, because I want whatever He gives.” I was trying to come to terms with the thought that perhaps God had me right where He wanted me, continuing to use my law office as a ministry, and that I should begin to find new ways to bring Him to my clients and neighbors, as perhaps He was not calling me to a religious order after all. But I soon found that was not true. He brought a profound sense of peace to my heart and made it clear that I was, in fact, going to serve Him in this way. He made it clear that the school loans would not be an obstacle and that I must learn to surrender. I did this in small ways as rectora of the October 2009 Women’s Cursillo, but it was not until the week after the cursillo that He made His way clear to me.

     I had been seeking religious orders out on the internet, and I found myself disheartened by their lack of orthodoxy and worldly ways. I was trying to make things happen by use of my senses and abilities, and of course that never works without prayer, so I began praying the Memorare every day for the specific intention of giving my vocation to Jesus through His Mother, Mary. I had long been consecrating myself to Him through her Immaculate Heart, and now I knew I had to completely surrender my vocation and simply wait for the answers to be revealed.

     It was Sister Regina at St Gabriel’s Monastery in Clarks Summit who told me of the peace she felt and such joy when the Daughters of Mary were in the house. She said she thought of me right away. So I called, spoke to the vocation director, Sr. Mary Alma, and she sent out 2 brochures. As soon as I received them, I felt a peace wash over me. I loved the Marian spirituality and orthodoxy! Sr. Alma was so filled with joy in her emails and phone calls that I wanted to come right away to see if God was calling me to New Britain. After a good visit and many affirmations, I am confident that He is, and I long for the day when He will bring me to the convent. I know He has a plan for this, and I look forward to seeing Him reveal His Plan and those whom He has called to help.

     God has been calling me all of my life. He has called me through dreams, through scripture, and through the communion of saints. He has called me through good friends, holy people and the confessional. He has been calling me over and over and over again, and the time is now to give Him everything.