Mary Undoer of Knots

Christ came to bring JOY;

Joy to children, joy to parents,

Joy to families and friends,

Joy to the sick and elderly,

Joy to all humanity.

In a true sense, JOY is the keynote message of Christianity,

And the recurring motif of the Gospels.

Go, therefore, and become Messengers of Joy!

~ Pope John Paul II

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I wish I could express the Joy I have in my heart! I mean, all around me people are suffering terrible things like serious illness, loss of jobs, depression, divorce……but in my heart, at this moment, my cup overflows!

Oh, it is not that I don’t care about the suffering of my friends and clients and family---I LOVE them very much. But this Joy surpasses human condition and present emotion and reaction to events and troubles.

What is this Joy?

An online free dictionary explains it as intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness. But is THAT all this is?

Archbishop Timothy Dolan says, “Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God within.” Oh yeah…yes…yep…..That’s IT!

There are plenty of things I could be complaining about----It’s too hot, my house is a mess, somebody yelled at me, my car broke down, the weeds in the yard are winning, my Mommy is sick, ugh….my Mommy is sick. But does this steal my Joy? No. Not today. Because God’s presence is within me. He lives in me, through me and with me. He is my Beloved, and I am His. This Joy is internal and it is eternal. He has given Himself to me, and I to Him.

Do I always feel so great? Are some days better than others? Of course there are! But that is because of my human weakness and frailty and not because He has done anything wrong. In this relationship, if there is ever a disagreement, I am always wrong, He is always right. Usually, if there is a lack of the feeling of Joy in my soul, it is because I am not including Him, not keeping Him at the center of my life. Always there is sin to cloud things up, but thankfully, confession clears the air and lets me see Him clearly again. He is my Joy, our Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Great News---We Christians can all have this Joy! We only need to surrender ourselves to His grace….To live in His Presence……To give Him every moment of every day, even on days when we have to remind ourselves that we are giving Him every moment of every day. And at the end of the day, we speak to our Beloved, and talk to Him about the times when we turned away from Him, the times when we did not include Him and walked away from His grace. And then simply, we ask Him to help us do better the next day.

Let us try always to give Him our moments! He is our Beloved and He deserves nothing less.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

for my Beloved . . .

Worthy, I am not
But you give me everything I desire
What have I, that has not come from You?
Everything I have is Yours.
My very life and breath are Yours alone.
For my part, I surrender. . . .
Help me surrender.

How can I thank you for such undeserved attention?
Never before have I known such tender love!
You fragrance the morning air with the sweet song of the mourning dove.
You call the blue jays to dance under the trees.
Your red birds tickle me and make me smile.
All these you give to me.

The very thought of you evokes joy and pleasure immeasurable
You are with me always, I know
But you tease me when you hide
Ah, such hidden pleasures
To know You and love you, even when I feel you distant away.

Oh my Beloved
Leave me not for a second
Rest beside me when I sleep
Without Your hand on mine, I am lost

I whisper Your name
But where is the breeze that lifts me to You?
Oh, I know You are there, but you make me wait.
You make me want You, desire You with every beat of my heart
My soul cries out and echoes in the desert.
Sweet misery when your presence escapes me.
Stay with me.
Breathe in me.
Pray in me.

Without you, I am lost . . .

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Go, therefore, and be Messengers of Joy!

Christ came to bring joy;

Joy to children, joy to parents,

Joy to families and friends,

Joy to the sick and elderly,

Joy to all humanity.

In a true sense,

Joy is the keynote message of Christianity,
and the recurring motif of the Gospels.

Go, therefore, and become Messengers of Joy!

                  ~ Pope John Paul II

Friday, May 14, 2010


     Fiat! What was Mary’s fiat? During this month of May, the month traditionally held to be Mary’s month, we can not think of our Blessed Mother without remembering her FIAT. Translated from Latin, fiat is simply Let it be done.

     Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."
Luke 1:38
     May it be done to ME.

     May it be DONE.

     May it BE.

     What is Mary’s Fiat, but a complete and total surrender to the will of God? A YES, without having to know every single detail of what will happen in her world. A YES to the joy of bringing the Son of God into the world with her quiet cooperation. A YES to the suffering, and the swords that would pierce her own heart for giving everything she had and everything she was to our Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

     Do we say YES to our Lord every day? Do we say YES to suffering and YES to loving and YES to giving everything we are to our Father in heaven, His Son, and our sanctifier, comforter and teacher, the Holy Spirit?

     Jesus lived His FIAT to our Father in heaven every day of His earthly life. During His agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, His remarkable fiat when He said, Not my will, but Thine be done, was nothing less than a complete and total gift of Himself for you and for me. Without this gift, we could have no hope of redemption.

     How can we honor God and give ourselves to Him? How can we begin to live our lives more and more for Him each day through our surrender to His Divine will? How can we make Mary’s words our own? Perhaps we should be like Mary and ponder these things in our hearts. Let it be done unto us according to Your Word, Lord. Let it be done.

The Journey

     In my life, I have been a musician, a certified music teacher, an attorney and a college professor. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. I used to know God on a very limited, impersonal basis, not unlike many of my gifted and talented college friends, because I think we all saw ourselves as self-made, not needing anyone else, including God. We were talented and smart, and with few exceptions, we attributed all of our gifts to our own hard work. We did not see our talents as the tremendous gifts from God that they truly are. We were fiercely independent, as many young people are today, and sadly, we saw no need for Him.  

    It was not until after I was attacked in my bedroom by an unknown assailant in 1998, that I had to cry out to God in desperation, for the first time ever. Truly, I credit this horrible assault as having been the event that led me back to the heart of God, and although it makes little sense to many people, I now see it as an enormous blessing that our Lord permitted this evil. It was then when I was at my lowest, and I began to finally see that everything I had and everything I could do with my mind and my hands were all a gift from God. Of course this knowledge did not come overnight, but in God’s perfect time in the years which followed. With my first desperate call to Him, and with the hope that He might hear me, He brought me out of darkness and back into the light. I realize now that He was always there, but that my cold heart was not ready to see Him or hear Him until I had nowhere else to turn.

     It was a few years after the attack, that I had a dream. Suffice it to say, I found Jesus in this dream. His demeanor and the love and gentle peace that accompanied His presence gave me great joy. I did not know it was Him at the time, but when He put His hands on mine and looked into my eyes, I knew I had found love. The dream was a gift and it worked in my life to help me begin to change my cynical perspective.

     This dream occurred around the same time that I was miraculously healed from the PTSD associated with my attack. I had traveled with a friend to Ottawa to see a holy and humble priest friend of his. When Father Kane was introduced to me and he looked at me, he held my glance and a peaceful smile came over his face. He spent the next few minutes alone with my friend and my friend’s daughter, and when they left his office, he asked me to come in. We spoke for a few minutes, and he asked if he could pray for me. He was well known for his healing of the memories, although I had no idea what that meant. I thought he was very kind to pray with me, as he read a gospel and then prayed over me in tongues before we said our goodbyes. I thanked him and he was so gracious and kind and filled with joy. I did not expect to be healed because it did not make any sense to me how you could live with these memories and then still have them but not the nightmares and flashbacks. It was not until a few weeks later that I recognized that I had no more nightmares, flashbacks or panic attacks. I have been 100% fine ever since then, with absolutely no recurrence. Thank you, Jesus!

     Some time after that, I was feeling called to spend time in silence at the Church, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and so I made an effort to regularly do so. Then, one day, while I was in the church alone, I heard an audible voice telling me that I needed to forgive the man who attacked me. I was alone in the Church, so this surprised me. I looked around, and then went back to my contemplation. I heard it again, looked around again, and then said, out loud, “Lord, I don’t know what you are asking me to do! I have no ill will toward this man. I am healed. It’s over. But if you want me to then, FINE. I forgive the man who attacked me. I forgive him for the scars on my body. I forgive him for the lost years and the darkness….” I went on and on in a litany of everything I felt I had lost, until I had nothing more to say, and then I heard just as clearly, that I must be praying for this man’s conversion, as if it was an emergency. And so I did. 

     Over the months which followed, I prayed rosaries and Chaplets and asked for intercession by my friends and all the saints in heaven. I wrote the story and my intentions for him, on every prayer intention slip I could get my hands on, and I am confident that I will see him in heaven someday. I look forward to it, and I am happy about it. I know he is my new brother in Christ Jesus, and in a bizarre way, He brought me to Him. I forgive him, and I love him. The unfathomable Divine Mercy of our Lord began to take on a great importance to me. I was given a great gift of mercy and understanding, and through this gift, I began to appreciate the depth of love the Father has for each and every one of us, as well as the depth of sorrow for sin. I treasure this incredibly beautiful gift from our most generous Beloved, the Divine Giver.  Maybe someday I will tell you more about it. 

     One of the first overt callings I had from Christ was when I made my Cursillo in October 2004. The weekend was almost over, and I ended up being inadvertently seated alone in the Chapel. I began to have a strong feeling of all of the abandonment I had ever felt in my life, including the attack, and then I looked up at Jesus on the cross, and for a brief moment, I was able to share in His abandonment on the cross, along with all of the pain and suffering that entailed. It was only for a moment and then it was replaced with the most incredible joy I had ever known. I knew for the first time that Jesus was with me always and that I was never alone, no matter what. I knew He was calling me to bring Him to everyone, everywhere, especially given the theme for that weekend, Pope John Paul II’s “Go, therefore, and be Messengers of Joy!” I could think of nothing else and I longed to be His Messenger of Joy, joining forces with Him in every way I possibly could. It was through this Cursillo weekend, there began an unquenchable fire burning in my heart that has only grown and will never be extinguished.

     There have been many wonderful experiences and moments close to God in the years since then, and I have longed to give my life to Him as a missionary sister, giving up all of my worldly possessions to follow Him wherever He called me. I began to wonder if it might only be the desire of my heart and not a call from God, because I had prayed, and He did not remove the obstacles or give me any insight as to how to resolve my school loan debt so that I could leave to bring Him to those living in darkness. All that changed at the beginning of 2009.

     In early 2009, I became acutely aware of the gifts God was giving me in every part of my life. I had adopted St Therese’s quote as my own, “He gives me whatever I want, because I want whatever He gives.” I was trying to come to terms with the thought that perhaps God had me right where He wanted me, continuing to use my law office as a ministry, and that I should begin to find new ways to bring Him to my clients and neighbors, as perhaps He was not calling me to a religious order after all. But I soon found that was not true. He brought a profound sense of peace to my heart and made it clear that I was, in fact, going to serve Him in this way. He made it clear that the school loans would not be an obstacle and that I must learn to surrender. I did this in small ways as rectora of the October 2009 Women’s Cursillo, but it was not until the week after the cursillo that He made His way clear to me.

     I had been seeking religious orders out on the internet, and I found myself disheartened by their lack of orthodoxy and worldly ways. I was trying to make things happen by use of my senses and abilities, and of course that never works without prayer, so I began praying the Memorare every day for the specific intention of giving my vocation to Jesus through His Mother, Mary. I had long been consecrating myself to Him through her Immaculate Heart, and now I knew I had to completely surrender my vocation and simply wait for the answers to be revealed.

     It was Sister Regina at St Gabriel’s Monastery in Clarks Summit who told me of the peace she felt and such joy when the Daughters of Mary were in the house. She said she thought of me right away. So I called, spoke to the vocation director, Sr. Mary Alma, and she sent out 2 brochures. As soon as I received them, I felt a peace wash over me. I loved the Marian spirituality and orthodoxy! Sr. Alma was so filled with joy in her emails and phone calls that I wanted to come right away to see if God was calling me to New Britain. After a good visit and many affirmations, I am confident that He is, and I long for the day when He will bring me to the convent. I know He has a plan for this, and I look forward to seeing Him reveal His Plan and those whom He has called to help.

     God has been calling me all of my life. He has called me through dreams, through scripture, and through the communion of saints. He has called me through good friends, holy people and the confessional. He has been calling me over and over and over again, and the time is now to give Him everything.