I have failed miserably this month at being the person I know God is calling me to be. I have been stressed beyond belief and am being tested time and time and TIME again. I have never failed a single test in my academic career, but in the spiritual realms, I would be kicked out of school if it was not for the mercy of our Beloved Teacher.
I have no choice but to rely on Him for everything. The very millisecond I think I have things all figured out, I fall flat on my face. This time, I fell extra hard, and I simply have had very little strength to get back up again. It has been much easier for me to just lay down and argue with God, trying to manipulate Him into giving me what i want---what I THOUGHT He wanted. And in case you have ever wondered, reverse psychology does NOT work on Him. Trust me. Don't waste your breath. :-)
Sooooo....I am beaten down. I am tired and worn out. I can do nothing on my own--NOTHING. I have no choice but to give it to Him all over again, and always AGAIN.
Will I ever learn?
I have heard it said that we should not beat ourselves up about our shortcomings as we journey on this path to holiness. Would the loving father of a toddler be mad at his child who falls when he is learning to walk? Of course not! He would pick him back up and help him to try again. And the same is true with our Father in heaven. All of this falling and failing is part of the learning process if we permit Him to help us to continue to move forward on the journey. When He sees us fall, it is with the eyes of a loving parent who sees us progressing forward as we grow in our love for Him and align ourselves to His will. All is well......it just does not feel well right now.....But it will again.....just need to keep getting up.