It has been QUITE a couple o' weeks here. Sooooo many gifts and insights, sooo many sorrows and sufferings. But it is all for the kingdom of heaven, so we count it all GOOD. God permits nothing that He does not intend to use for a greater GOOD, So bring it on!
About a month ago, I found myself becoming very frustrated, even irritable at times. I don't think this was anything of which my clients were aware, but internally, I felt like the fabric of my very soul was being ripped in two. I struggled to see God's mercy in all of this waiting, but all I could see were my failures, how ever year our Jesus has given me the grace to learn how to be Mary and every year I choose to be Martha. This is PRIDE, as apparently I have believed all along that I could do this better than God. Really, I thought I was helping Him and that He wanted my help, but now I think this may be the greatest lesson of all: He loves me more than He loves anything I could possibly ever do for Him.
So after 8 or 9 months of trying to fundraise and make this happen somehow, I am taking Dear Father O'Rourke's sage advice: I am putting this behind me.
Oh, I do not mean that I am giving up on my hope to become a Daughter of Mary of the Immaculate Conception, but that I give up trying to actively fundraise so that my obstacles will be removed. Our all-powerful God could litterally drop a bag of money out of the sky if He wanted, and surely He could inspire someone whom He has financially blessed to help me, so if this is truly HIS VOCATION for me, then I must believe He will remove the obstacle without my crying about it or worrying about it or even thinking about. When Fr. O'Rourke told me to put it behind you, I cried. It felt like it was over. But when I did put it behind me, I realized that was the truest surrender I had made yet, and then fruit of the Holy Spirit, peace, came into my heart, and the frustration was dispelled. Exhausting.
The interesting thing, was that that I was blessed to have dinner a few days later with Bishop Bambera, Father Boylan, Father Manarchuck, Father O'Rourke, Father Chmil, Father Hornick, Deacon Bill and Mary Graham, Deacon Joe Roinick and Father Cummings following confirmation at our Parish last Wednesday. First let me say, it does not matter where you are, the power of Holy Spirit at the Sacrament of Confirmation is soooo TANGIBLE you can reach out and touch Him ---To be filled with that love is a gift. Second, I received so much love and encouragement and concern regarding my vocation, and I have to be honest, there had been practically NONE up to that point. It was genuine and kind and I could feel the love the way Jesus meant for us to love one another as the Body of Christ. I didn't ask for it, it was just there, a free gift. I am very grateful for that night. It went a long way in healing my weary soul.
That brings us up to this weekend. The yard sale was a HUGE SUCCESS. It was chaos, so many people came. I don't have much left and I made around $1,000 so that was great. Then on Sunday, I was blessed to give a quick talk at the closing of the Women's Cursillo. What beautiful things our God did in the souls of these women! It was inspirational and uplifting and yet another gift to be there with them all. I could talk for hours, but I was only supposed to speak for 5-10 minutes. I hope I did not go over, but there was so much to say. I just tried to let the Holy Spirit do the talking. I got to meet many new sisters in Christ and visit with my best friends from Cursillo's past. Being on team was the first thing I said NO to this year, because I felt I would be at the convent and did not want to let the team down. I missed it, and even though I could have done it, in retrospect, God has used the time for other things. Sr. Alma wants me to bring Cursillo to New Britain, Connecticut! How wonderful that would be! I just keep hoping and praying.
I love you, Father! May it be done according to Your Word! Fiat!