Got my stitches out today! Woo hoo! I definitely look like Frankenstein, but since Halloween is just around the corner, no worries! :-)
God is good. The peace He has given me these past few days, fills my heart with joy! I am learning and understanding a little better each day, and living to love Him and trust Him in each given moment. I know this is easy to say today, when I feel Him so close to me, but I am just so thankful for some new insights that He is developing in my heart, that I hope I will have the strength and peace to move forward into whatever lies ahead, regardless of what He does or does not permit. Of course I always pray that I will one day be a Daughter of Mary, but at least for today, I am doing better at loving His will more than my own will. If He does not permit it, then He has His reasons, and my life will be His no matter what. (Please remind me of this next time I get sad about not being in the convent! :-)
Your will be done, Lord! :-)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Surgery
The phone has been dead this week......Not good for my bottom line, but good in the sense that I am one week past my gall bladder surgery and have been thankful for the quiet and the chance to recuperate. Thanks be to God . . .
The anesthesia has played a weird part in my brain this week. I realize how much I have to be thankful for, now that the haze and fog are clearing and I am coming back into my right mind. :-) Seriously, though, what a gift to be able to think and reason and make sense of things....to be able to write and have control over my thoughts, at least to whatever extent I ever had control. What a terrible suffering it must be for people who become brain damaged or suffer from Alzheimer's disease or lose cognitive function for whatever reason, after having been able to put two and two together. I have had the weirdest dreams, but more than that, my emotions were nutty and my thoughts made me feel like I was walking a tightrope, between sanity and a few fries short of a Happy Meal. I am thankful that it is over.
Before my surgery, as I was putting on the gown and the hair net, I was stressed a bit about my brown scapular--I did not want to remove it or get into an argument about keeping it on me. So I prayed to God that it would be invisible to everyone in the operating room. When we got in there, of course you are in nothing but your birthday suit and a hair net, so certainly they would make me remove it from the sterile environment, but guess what? They never even mentioned it, because they never even saw it. I know it is not a magical charm or a superstitious rabbit's foot of sorts. But if reminds me of who I am as a child of God and it is the closet thing I have to taking the habit to give myself to Him in a profound and personal way. The fact that I was able to wear it and no one saw it on me, was a special gift when the amnesia effects of the anesthesia were playing games with my mind. It was a reminder that Jesus and Mary were with me through the entire thing, and that nothing ever happens in this life that God does not permit because He intends to bring a greater good from it. He always knows just what we need. I hope He thinks I need to be a Daughter of Mary.
I know---I am obssessed. But I just can not believe that He would bring me to this point, only to use all of this to teach me some kind of lesson, sending me on my merry way to live life for Him as a single person in the world. Oh, I pray He brings me to the convent soon. But in the end, His will and His timing are perfect. I pray that my own will lines up with His as I surrender again and again and again . . . Your will be done.
fiat
The anesthesia has played a weird part in my brain this week. I realize how much I have to be thankful for, now that the haze and fog are clearing and I am coming back into my right mind. :-) Seriously, though, what a gift to be able to think and reason and make sense of things....to be able to write and have control over my thoughts, at least to whatever extent I ever had control. What a terrible suffering it must be for people who become brain damaged or suffer from Alzheimer's disease or lose cognitive function for whatever reason, after having been able to put two and two together. I have had the weirdest dreams, but more than that, my emotions were nutty and my thoughts made me feel like I was walking a tightrope, between sanity and a few fries short of a Happy Meal. I am thankful that it is over.
Before my surgery, as I was putting on the gown and the hair net, I was stressed a bit about my brown scapular--I did not want to remove it or get into an argument about keeping it on me. So I prayed to God that it would be invisible to everyone in the operating room. When we got in there, of course you are in nothing but your birthday suit and a hair net, so certainly they would make me remove it from the sterile environment, but guess what? They never even mentioned it, because they never even saw it. I know it is not a magical charm or a superstitious rabbit's foot of sorts. But if reminds me of who I am as a child of God and it is the closet thing I have to taking the habit to give myself to Him in a profound and personal way. The fact that I was able to wear it and no one saw it on me, was a special gift when the amnesia effects of the anesthesia were playing games with my mind. It was a reminder that Jesus and Mary were with me through the entire thing, and that nothing ever happens in this life that God does not permit because He intends to bring a greater good from it. He always knows just what we need. I hope He thinks I need to be a Daughter of Mary.
I know---I am obssessed. But I just can not believe that He would bring me to this point, only to use all of this to teach me some kind of lesson, sending me on my merry way to live life for Him as a single person in the world. Oh, I pray He brings me to the convent soon. But in the end, His will and His timing are perfect. I pray that my own will lines up with His as I surrender again and again and again . . . Your will be done.
fiat
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
prayer . . .
Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful,
And kindle in us the fire of Your Love . . . .
Come Holy, Spirit, COME.
Come Holy Ghost, Creator blest,
And in my soul take up Your rest.
Come . . .
Dear Holy Spirit, light of our souls, spare me from this darkness.
I am like a leaf on the wind, a ship at sea without a sail.
Guide me.
Push me, pull me, show me, stretch me,
But please don’t let me break.
I am so tired, I fear I can barely remember You.
I can not do this on my own.
It would be too easy to close my eyes forever and try not to remember.
But when I do, the pain is intolerable…the loss, the darkness, the loneliness.
I am nothing without You.
And while I am told that You are always here, even when I can not feel you, see you,
To me, You are but a distant memory today, growing more and more distant away as each day passes.
And soon will be the winter.
Send forth Your Spirit, and we shall be created.
And You shall renew the face of the earth.
Oh God, Who by the light of the Holy Spirit,
Instructs the hearts of the faithful,
Grant that by that same Holy Spirit,
We may be truly wise,
And ever rejoice in His consolations,
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
And kindle in us the fire of Your Love . . . .
Come Holy, Spirit, COME.
Come Holy Ghost, Creator blest,
And in my soul take up Your rest.
Come . . .
Dear Holy Spirit, light of our souls, spare me from this darkness.
I am like a leaf on the wind, a ship at sea without a sail.
Guide me.
Push me, pull me, show me, stretch me,
But please don’t let me break.
I am so tired, I fear I can barely remember You.
I can not do this on my own.
It would be too easy to close my eyes forever and try not to remember.
But when I do, the pain is intolerable…the loss, the darkness, the loneliness.
I am nothing without You.
And while I am told that You are always here, even when I can not feel you, see you,
To me, You are but a distant memory today, growing more and more distant away as each day passes.
And soon will be the winter.
Send forth Your Spirit, and we shall be created.
And You shall renew the face of the earth.
Oh God, Who by the light of the Holy Spirit,
Instructs the hearts of the faithful,
Grant that by that same Holy Spirit,
We may be truly wise,
And ever rejoice in His consolations,
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I think this is surrender . . .
It has been QUITE a couple o' weeks here. Sooooo many gifts and insights, sooo many sorrows and sufferings. But it is all for the kingdom of heaven, so we count it all GOOD. God permits nothing that He does not intend to use for a greater GOOD, So bring it on!
About a month ago, I found myself becoming very frustrated, even irritable at times. I don't think this was anything of which my clients were aware, but internally, I felt like the fabric of my very soul was being ripped in two. I struggled to see God's mercy in all of this waiting, but all I could see were my failures, how ever year our Jesus has given me the grace to learn how to be Mary and every year I choose to be Martha. This is PRIDE, as apparently I have believed all along that I could do this better than God. Really, I thought I was helping Him and that He wanted my help, but now I think this may be the greatest lesson of all: He loves me more than He loves anything I could possibly ever do for Him.
So after 8 or 9 months of trying to fundraise and make this happen somehow, I am taking Dear Father O'Rourke's sage advice: I am putting this behind me.
Oh, I do not mean that I am giving up on my hope to become a Daughter of Mary of the Immaculate Conception, but that I give up trying to actively fundraise so that my obstacles will be removed. Our all-powerful God could litterally drop a bag of money out of the sky if He wanted, and surely He could inspire someone whom He has financially blessed to help me, so if this is truly HIS VOCATION for me, then I must believe He will remove the obstacle without my crying about it or worrying about it or even thinking about. When Fr. O'Rourke told me to put it behind you, I cried. It felt like it was over. But when I did put it behind me, I realized that was the truest surrender I had made yet, and then fruit of the Holy Spirit, peace, came into my heart, and the frustration was dispelled. Exhausting.
The interesting thing, was that that I was blessed to have dinner a few days later with Bishop Bambera, Father Boylan, Father Manarchuck, Father O'Rourke, Father Chmil, Father Hornick, Deacon Bill and Mary Graham, Deacon Joe Roinick and Father Cummings following confirmation at our Parish last Wednesday. First let me say, it does not matter where you are, the power of Holy Spirit at the Sacrament of Confirmation is soooo TANGIBLE you can reach out and touch Him ---To be filled with that love is a gift. Second, I received so much love and encouragement and concern regarding my vocation, and I have to be honest, there had been practically NONE up to that point. It was genuine and kind and I could feel the love the way Jesus meant for us to love one another as the Body of Christ. I didn't ask for it, it was just there, a free gift. I am very grateful for that night. It went a long way in healing my weary soul.
That brings us up to this weekend. The yard sale was a HUGE SUCCESS. It was chaos, so many people came. I don't have much left and I made around $1,000 so that was great. Then on Sunday, I was blessed to give a quick talk at the closing of the Women's Cursillo. What beautiful things our God did in the souls of these women! It was inspirational and uplifting and yet another gift to be there with them all. I could talk for hours, but I was only supposed to speak for 5-10 minutes. I hope I did not go over, but there was so much to say. I just tried to let the Holy Spirit do the talking. I got to meet many new sisters in Christ and visit with my best friends from Cursillo's past. Being on team was the first thing I said NO to this year, because I felt I would be at the convent and did not want to let the team down. I missed it, and even though I could have done it, in retrospect, God has used the time for other things. Sr. Alma wants me to bring Cursillo to New Britain, Connecticut! How wonderful that would be! I just keep hoping and praying.
I love you, Father! May it be done according to Your Word! Fiat!
About a month ago, I found myself becoming very frustrated, even irritable at times. I don't think this was anything of which my clients were aware, but internally, I felt like the fabric of my very soul was being ripped in two. I struggled to see God's mercy in all of this waiting, but all I could see were my failures, how ever year our Jesus has given me the grace to learn how to be Mary and every year I choose to be Martha. This is PRIDE, as apparently I have believed all along that I could do this better than God. Really, I thought I was helping Him and that He wanted my help, but now I think this may be the greatest lesson of all: He loves me more than He loves anything I could possibly ever do for Him.
So after 8 or 9 months of trying to fundraise and make this happen somehow, I am taking Dear Father O'Rourke's sage advice: I am putting this behind me.
Oh, I do not mean that I am giving up on my hope to become a Daughter of Mary of the Immaculate Conception, but that I give up trying to actively fundraise so that my obstacles will be removed. Our all-powerful God could litterally drop a bag of money out of the sky if He wanted, and surely He could inspire someone whom He has financially blessed to help me, so if this is truly HIS VOCATION for me, then I must believe He will remove the obstacle without my crying about it or worrying about it or even thinking about. When Fr. O'Rourke told me to put it behind you, I cried. It felt like it was over. But when I did put it behind me, I realized that was the truest surrender I had made yet, and then fruit of the Holy Spirit, peace, came into my heart, and the frustration was dispelled. Exhausting.
The interesting thing, was that that I was blessed to have dinner a few days later with Bishop Bambera, Father Boylan, Father Manarchuck, Father O'Rourke, Father Chmil, Father Hornick, Deacon Bill and Mary Graham, Deacon Joe Roinick and Father Cummings following confirmation at our Parish last Wednesday. First let me say, it does not matter where you are, the power of Holy Spirit at the Sacrament of Confirmation is soooo TANGIBLE you can reach out and touch Him ---To be filled with that love is a gift. Second, I received so much love and encouragement and concern regarding my vocation, and I have to be honest, there had been practically NONE up to that point. It was genuine and kind and I could feel the love the way Jesus meant for us to love one another as the Body of Christ. I didn't ask for it, it was just there, a free gift. I am very grateful for that night. It went a long way in healing my weary soul.
That brings us up to this weekend. The yard sale was a HUGE SUCCESS. It was chaos, so many people came. I don't have much left and I made around $1,000 so that was great. Then on Sunday, I was blessed to give a quick talk at the closing of the Women's Cursillo. What beautiful things our God did in the souls of these women! It was inspirational and uplifting and yet another gift to be there with them all. I could talk for hours, but I was only supposed to speak for 5-10 minutes. I hope I did not go over, but there was so much to say. I just tried to let the Holy Spirit do the talking. I got to meet many new sisters in Christ and visit with my best friends from Cursillo's past. Being on team was the first thing I said NO to this year, because I felt I would be at the convent and did not want to let the team down. I missed it, and even though I could have done it, in retrospect, God has used the time for other things. Sr. Alma wants me to bring Cursillo to New Britain, Connecticut! How wonderful that would be! I just keep hoping and praying.
I love you, Father! May it be done according to Your Word! Fiat!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What an incredible week! Soooo BLESSED
I have so much to write about.........Still processing it all.....Suffice it to say, my heart is light and filled with joy! I have wonderful sisters and brothers in Christ, and God knew I needed some love this weekend and I received it in abundance. Thank you, Beloved Lord Jesus!
More to come this evening......gotta run to the courthouse...... Fiat!
More to come this evening......gotta run to the courthouse...... Fiat!
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